The Day I Was Diagnosed With Aspergers Syndrome

 

Being told that your different is hard for anyone to understand, fathom and cope with, especially yourself. But over time and through growing up, you'll hopefully learn to accept your condition (varies with how severe it may be) and try to learn/ live/ work with it. However not everybody is as understanding as you'd expect. Today, I want to share with you all on how scary that day was when I was diagnosed with a condition that will stay with me forever but also explain why it's necessary and essential to truly discover myself and see how I've changed to this day.
 
First of all, I am so honoured and grateful to all you Amazing people for helping AsperJosh reach over 10,000 total views back on the 25th March. It's unbelievable on how just over a year ago, I've succeeded over 10 grand of total views and just feel super chuffed that all you Awesome people have taken your time to look at my stories and read about my interests, thoughts and reviews. Give yourselves a pat on the back and a high five from me. Now I am very pleased to start writing up more stories and a couple reviews like Attack On Titan Anime Review and soon my school life and how I gradually changed through those years.

Now back to the past, you see back when I was around 5 years old, I was a little rascal with super short hair, had a huge fascination with Thomas The Tank Engine and Dinosaurs and had just had a year with my 2nd sister, Rebecca. I was in my child seat in the car with Mum and Dad on a long journey to a Hospital in Wimbledon. For  on that day I was going to be run through some tests because both Mum and Dad and my pre-school teacher at the time, Mrs Pickersgill (now Mrs Russell) who was the first to notice my behavior (but I'll explain more about that when I write up my pre-school years post soon) and how I could be different and that having me checked and diagnosed will help make things easier to understand for my family and her to help me as well.

I can't remember the Hospital/ Institution precisely but when I got there everything changed. You see these nice doctors and nurses wanted to do some tests on behaviour, learning skills, physical skills etc and see what was up with me, I even had to blow into a tube to make a ball float up a tube for a small time.
Everything is all a blur to me and I can only recall fragments from that day but the one I remember most of all is the scariest unfortunately.

You see, I had to have a brain scan and with me being under the age of understanding that I have to be absolutely still and confirm the doctor's orders, it was best to use Anesthetic and help me rest during the process.
But to an alarming surprise my reaction to waking up from the sleep was the scariest experience of my life at the time. I don't know if I had a negative reaction or just the fact I had been forced to go to sleep and wake up again in a white room. I screamed, cried and became physically violent so badly that the doctors and nurses couldn't keep me under control and I was like this for quite a while, even Mum and Dad couldn't hold me and calm me down. According to them, I was acting like I couldn't see them and was running away from everybody and didn't want to be handled, touched or cuddled. It was like my vision was coming back to me (imagine the opposite of the effect in films when white brightness overwhelms you and your vision blurs until it's all completely white like death) only I wasn't dying luckily. It was like I was Michael Clarke Duncan in the film The Island where he woke up during a heart operation and ran away in terrible shock and horror because it was all a sinister experiment and that the promised land he was expecting to go to was a lie and he was terribly uncomfortable and scared for his life (I really want to write up a review in that intense film soon, it even featured Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson as our hero and heroine). Sorry, I got off topic!

Mum and Dad were besides themselves and heart broken that I couldn't be helped and they couldn't even hold me in their arms to calm me down from this terrifying experience.
But Mum found a way to calm me down, she noticed that as we had been in the play area before the operation that there was a Television with a VHS player and a few Thomas The Tank Engine, Pingu and Teletubbies videos. She ordered (well, she actually shouted)  at the doctors and nurses to run the video right now and would you believe it that after propping me down in front of the television within a minute, I had calmed down magically. As Mum and Dad and the staff all calmed down like me, Mum came over (just like Tom Hanks did in Forrest Gump after meeting the most important beautiful thing he'd ever seen) and sat herself down next to me whilst I was enjoying Thomas, I turned myself and acted like nothing had happened. Mum embraced me so passionately like she had almost lost me and started crying in happiness.

After a few episodes, it was time to do one more test which involved wires. I had to have suction cups along my head for them to scan my reactions with a machine that looks like an Earthquake reader. I began feeling scared and uncomfortable again but this time, the staff had something to help calm me down, Chocolate. By eating a chocolate bar and them pointing out all the jagged patterns that my chewing was causing, it actually brought some humour into this experiment. And I'm pretty sure it was accomplished soon and they had everything they needed.
I can't remember what happened then but I'm guessing that Mum and Dad had been made aware that I had a condition called Aspergers Syndrome which is a type of Autism from The Autistic Spectrum.

Looking back on my past as a young one, I do actually recall moments when I did say things that sound different plus I always hated others touching my stuff and messing up my colour co-ordinated Thomas The Tank Engine set with all the others from Tidmouth Sheds. Plus Mum says that sometimes I didn't pay attention to her unless she spoke to me in a specific way and how she remembers the first time I misunderstood how some English words have double meanings, for example, "I don't mind whether you paint or draw your picture" now to me back then, she said "weather" which to a 5 year old means sunshine, rain, snow etc. You see what I'm getting at here?!

As for Saturday, well...

But as you can see that Saturday has been eventful and therapeutic not to mention nostalgic for myself in sharing this very important story with you all.
And I did enjoy re-watching a few epic episodes of Attack On Titan and tomorrow I'm going to upload a lot of the NerdBlock stuff I don't really want to my eBay page (j05h_g).
Plus it's Leg day tomorrow morning with Richard and Liam.

And on Monday, I had the pleasure of watching Home and Cinderella with Amy. Both films were excellent and really loveable especially Jim Parsons and Rihanna voicing the main characters in Home, they were both so loveable especially the fact that the main alien was voiced by Sheldon and he was so adorable. I enjoyed Cinderella but I was more interested and keen to watch the shot Frozen Fever special before the film. That, ladies and gentlemen, is really worth the watch and they've still got it on singing songs whilst sprinkling it with lots of humour and loveable moments. Now I want the sequel to hurry up!

Over my life, I've always hated being different, honestly. I hated being Autistic and not knowing how to communicate with people during my school life. I was always living in my own world and whenever words came out of my mouth, it was either about Disney or films that people didn't want to talk about or I was just so socially awkward that I didn't learn social skills until my College years as well as learning to talk to girls and understand why I was pushy when not hanging out all the time and that I had to be patient and learn who my real friends are and that I can't be friends with everybody. It's like I grew up later than everyone else.
Mum has mentioned to others over the years that she believes that she knows why I am Autistic. You see, there was this Doctor called Andrew Wakefield who believed that the MMR Vaccine (Measles, Mumps and Rubella Vaccine) had a connection with producing a higher chance of young children acquiring Autism somehow. But who am I to know all that technical mysterious mumbo-jumbo, if it's true then whoops, looks like I have it due to that.
But maybe it was my destiny to be born with this condition?! I asked Dad once if he had dropped me when I was little? Of course, he hadn't! And that's good because then I would have Brain Damage,
Damage, Damage, Damage, Damage?! But that's no laughing matter, it's just a joke I once saw on The Simpsons when Homer yanks out a chip in the back of his head and he says Brain Damage like that.


One thing to take away from this story is that if you as parents with your own children or a teenager who feels different in some ways whether they be subtle or obvious, I think it's the right thing to have them checked out. I mean, isn't it better to know why you are this way than feel different and alone?
When I was in College, I had somebody come up to me during lunch who looked confused and upset and came clean with me that he had been diagnosed with several traits in Autism. He felt like his world had been turned upside down and felt lost and didn't know how to feel or what to do besides coming to me for advice and comfort. I was rather surprised as well as honoured to comfort him.
I told him how I would tell anyone - 

"You may feel like you now belong under a label or a category that defines you, but in reality, you've been told important news that you just can't comprehend right away. It will take time for you to understand all of this but most of all, you need to smile. Understand that you now know the truth which is far better knowing than never knowing at all. You just gotta keep going and enjoy your life no matter what is thrown at you like how I'm going to do. You may even learn how to use your condition to your advantage, I can use my memory to recall things I love off by heart though I struggle with some work as it's not something I'm very fond of. And I can impersonate many voices to make people laugh and smile. Plus I like feeling organised and ready with a plan for everything but also learning to cope with change and surprises because not everything goes according to plan, right?!"

We can't let a label stop us from living our lives, we need to overcome barriers, open our hearts and minds and maybe slowly change and adapt to help make others feel comfortable with us as much as we want to feel comfortable with society. I've learnt over my whole life so far on shaking off old habits that restricted me and made me an outcast, some I still have to this day but I look far different to how I was as a child or 5 years ago when I was in puberty at Forest. I'll explain more in the next few school posts over the coming months.

I think the most important thing to take away from all of this is to understand and believe in yourself no matter what. I'm no Doctor, but my diagnosis is to diagnose people/ friends or family who you feel to be different but do it at a reasonable age, perhaps over the age of 12 because to a kid who is 5 years old and requires Anesthesia it might turn out horrific when he wakes up again. I have no idea or can't begin to describe how others will react to the tests compared to what they were like 16 years ago let alone how that person will comprehend learning that he or she is different, but in a unique way. It's your job as parents or as friends to help us understand others as well as helping them understand themselves so that they can learn to love themselves for who they truly are instead of trying to be or ignore something that they're not.

Why I'm Going To Do The Tough Mudder, Northamptonshire 2015?!

Have you ever said to yourself either as a mental note or a sudden impulse or even a special promise to yourself on accomplishing something that looks and seems just impossible whether it's physical, mentally or even confidently?
Well, last October, I made that special promise which actually agrees with the other statements because... well I don't know why really!
It looks like I've "bitten off more than I can chew" or "I've gone off the deep end" but somehow this all feels right and necessary to help prove to myself that I can achieve what I set my mind to in life! And this is why, I'm going to do The Tough Mudder this year in May.

The Tough Mudder Challenge is a team based 10-12 Mile (18-20km) Obstacle course that tests people's physical and mental abilities. Luckily it's not a timed run, it's all about team effort along with camaraderie (mutual trust and friendship among people who spend a lot of time together) and makes you experience intense, exhilarating (yet safe) obstacles whilst getting very dirty through heavy mud. The events happen in the Midlands, Scotland, Dublin, Yorkshire and the South West of England. The challenge also raises money for Help For Heroes through donations made by the mudders and other people. If you don't support the wars, then at least support the troops! If anyone wants to make a donation, the link is here and it's also the page for the team I'm in - The Green Team.
See more details here and here.

Here's the one were gonna go and do!

First off, things have been a rollercoaster the last week or two since writing up Rain Man. I've been out last weekend catching up and celebrating Sam's 22nd (we haven't seen each other since leaving Forest) and Amy, Jack, David and several other old school friends from Kathy and Alex's Birthday and we all had an excellent night at Horsham's Mungo's Bar.
Also things have been grand, I'm meeting Jemma next weekend to catch up as life has been busy for us both and we're both gonna catch up in London for an Elvis Exhibition (I know, of all things?!)
Oh, and this Tuesday, I finally went all out and purchased my first Mountain Bike from work after not having a BMX for around 8 years I think. So today on this lazy Sunday, I've been researching a lot of Star Wars: The Clone Wars stuff on Wookiepedia (the best place for Star Wars info) and looking into the upcoming 7th film, what's happened to Ahsoka Tano after the series ended and looking into The Old Republic, you gotta love Star Wars, right?!
Also, today I went on my first ride this afternoon, I went down Hamper Lane, Horsham but had a small accident involving my front tyre coming off after not screwing and securing the front hub properly since putting it back on Tuesday after bringing it home. Even though my ride was cut-short and my phone timed out on the stopwatch, I still had a pleasant ride through the back of Leechpool Woods and I look forward to next time when I can go again and on a brighter sunny day.

Anyway, back to the serious post.

Back in October last year, I was influenced by a couple of guys from my main group of friends to do this intense obstacle course that they had all done a year ago. And since around mid-October when I tried my first jog and did 3 miles round my block in 40 mins, to now where I can do 10km in just over an hour round the park, this is a great improvement and shows my true potential.

But over the months, I've actually been in an anxious war with myself and have really asked myself why I'm doing this and if it's such a good idea given the fact I have conditions, don't like getting dirty, doubt myself and have never done something as intense before (even though the Skydive was simple and rushed quickly)? And even though everybody I know is encouraging me to do it, my team mates all believe in me and I am showing improvements, then why can't I see for myself? It's like I'm trying to chicken out when I know I obviously won't because I'm not a quitter and haven't been yet because I always intend to do what I set my mind to, no matter what.
But you know what? I'm still going to do it! You know why? Because this challenge will be my biggest challenge yet, it will test my courage, determination and mental along with physical stability. It will maybe even help me conquer my small fear of not wanting to get dirty and help bring me out of my comfort zone. It will also be my greatest achievement and this accomplishment will be with me forever to help remind me of what I can do with my life and future challenges, surprises and maybe even doing it again will help me realise just how strong I really am and if I don't do it again then at least I did it and all for a good cause.

It's not all bad really, Ryan, Oliver, Lewis and Bradley all did it last year and they all practised fine and completed it well with no injuries or set backs. And this time, Richard, myself and a couple others I don't know are all joining them for our first time. Everyone has been there for me since I signed up in October and have always been reassuring me when I have doubts that trouble me from when I'm tired or don't do so well on a jog or are just anxious or a little depressed. To see that these guys, no these bros are here for me, are honoured to have me among them and actually believe in me along with everybody else, then surely there's no turning back from this?!

A week ago, I did get a little worked up on discovering from my friends at work who have been doing the Mudder and other obstacle courses for a few years that it's actually worth looking into some expensive trail shoes. I've been running in Nike Max Air Running Shoes for months on the pavement around the Park and hardly trained in actual mud besides in October-January when Richard and I did the Horsham Parkrun on Saturday mornings on the grassy mud 5km course. I'm currently trying to look into some Salomon trail shoes at SportsDirect on a weekend and then I just gotta slowly wear into them (maybe at Beech Road, Roffey or some other field/ muddy areas around Horsham because it's frustrating and difficult that these kind of shoes can't and mustn't be worn on hard surfaces as they'll get damaged. But Ed at work and my teammates are all saying "theirs plenty of time to wear into them slowly but don't get blisters" and soon the team needs to discuss on what to wear and if we'll all get a team t-shirt designed. It's important on what you wear to this event as you'll get muddy and jump into ice cold baths and it also matters on what the weather will be like that day. But I'm sure I'll be fine as I'll have my teammates who will be in the same boat as me and it won't be as bad as last year where Ryan wore real army uniform including boots and barely managed to complete it in style ha ha.

All I gotta do is actually believe in myself, keep at it with the jogging that Richard and I have been doing together since October and on this upcoming day, keep growing my muscles at the gym (I already feel and look alright), just smile, feel the adrenaline, help others as much as I want help from them and just try not to get so worked up and serious about getting dirty (there will be a lovely shower by the end of the day along with a sense of achievement... Oh and an ice-cold pint) and I'll go home feeling like a champion and nobody can take that reputation away from me, because I will have earned it!
Looks like I'm not far from reaching an unbelievable 10,000 total views for AsperJosh, truly unbelievable.

Rain Man (Film Review)

Dustin Hoffman pulled off a spectacular performance and possibly the greatest acting I've ever seen. Seeing this loveable man act like an actual Heavy Autistic (a "Savant" which is the name of the condition) is why this film really shows how seriously different some people are in the world. I've watched this a few times and learnt a lot too and even on myself as to how I must look to others. Here's Rain Man.

In 1988, "Tom Cruise" (The Last Samurai, Mission Impossible) plays Charlie Babbitt, a man who after learning of his estranged father's death is shocked and feels betrayed to be only left his dad's car and rose bushes but to also learn that the multi-million dollar estate has been left to the other son and Charlie's older brother, Raymond Babbitt "Dustin Hoffman" (Mister Magorium's Wonder Emporium, Meet The Fockers) whom Charlie never knew existed. Now Charlie will use his brother as a bargaining chip and try to gain custody over his savant autistic brother and the money, but it won't be easy let alone easy to understand, learn and even cope with just how different Raymond really is.

This road trip film full of drama hits the spot because it's the story about 2 completely different people/ brothers who gradually begin to understand one another over a short period of time. But Charlie doesn't have the patience and time to give in to Raymond's conditions and strict routines which are jeopardising Charlie's plans. It's funny how Charlie's motives are selfish and cold yet Raymond just lives in his own world and Charlie must stressfully adjust to Raymond's way of life. Even I have routines and plans everyday of my life and I plan them out as I go along, but I've begun to see in myself that when they don't go according to plan that I am stressed, confused and sometimes out of my comfort zone, but I am better than I was sveral years ago when I only stuck to my way of things instead of adjusting to this surprise or issue with what's going on right now. I just need a bit of time to cope and understand how to make this work, I can't just shake it off and fit into this new situation so easily and it matters on what it is and where I am.

Throughout my life I've felt 50-50 on my condition and I've been in a struggle knowing if being this way is right or wrong. Sure, it could be worse and I wouldn't be the way I am today. But then there are others who have "heavier" conditions than myself in the world and I should consider myself "lucky" (but not in an obnoxious way). You see, I can't say that I am relieved or glad that I don't have a condition that's as high on the autistic spectrum as others in the world may have right now. Some would call any sort of special needs as "severe" or "retarded" but that's because they're not looking hard enough and only see us as people who came into the world as a dysfunctional being, we can only just talk, think, act and perform either better or less than the average person and it all matters on where we are on the spectrum.
But you know somehow I do feel better that Raymond did make silent connections and proves that people like him with any form of Autism really can communicate in a subtle unique way, we all just have to find this wavelength and we need to discover it ourselves too.

Seeing Tom Cruise snap when Raymond refuses to use public transport and airplanes because he knows of crash dates or fears for his own safety and also when he's being annoying and silly for Charlie makes me wonder and truly admire how as an actor he could cope with this kind of behaviour (even I would be frustrated). Seeing how an ordinary man like Dustin Hoffman mimic so accurately the behavior and "robotic" lifestyle of a savant was really intersting. I wonder whether when filiming if they were testing each other's patience on the situation. It may even just be acting to them or another job, but do you think they took anything away from it? Perhaps they did and good on them if they did because it's learning at the end of the day, right?!
Even I am curious as to what other people in situations do when failing to understand/ cope with people's behavior because they aren't even trying or doing their best but it's becoming too much for them (it could even be the other way round). As I write this up, I'm starting to recall some situations in my life where I have been strict on routines and been getting my way because of my condition and high level of Aspergers and looking at me now as to how I have slightly (even if I don't see it) eased away from the strict level of my actions and warm up to venturing out of my comfort zone, be a little impulsive and try to do things that I don't particularly like, this is all a big change for me even if it happens every so often.

Did you know that this film was actually based on a real-life person who is an american savant - "Laurence Kim Peek" and his father "Fran" who actually spent his life looking after his son and helping him with actions that were difficult for Kim. And also the screenwriter and story person Barry Morrow and Dustin actually went to see Kim and try to base Dustin's character off of him accurately and methodically, only difference is that Dustin's character had autism whilst Kim had FG Syndrome (a condition with symptoms such as retardation, hypotonia (low muscle tone) and sometimes macrocephaly (an abnormally large head). And it's nice reading up that after the film, Kim was given the Barry's oscar and was very surprised and happy that people wanted to see him in action and answer questions about calendar calculations by telling them on which day of the week they were born and it boosted his self-confidence, aww. He even went on television with his dad. R.I.P Kim! The world is now aware of special and unique people like you.

The music was alright (sounded just like the 80s) thanks to the electric keyboard and drums in the background. It was quite ambient like which was nice but I don't think I really payed attention at all to it.

Learning the hidden meaning behind the name "Rain Man" was a true discovery which really caught Charlie and also made Raymond happy as Charlie finds out. It's quite insightful when something that seems weird or something actually has a special hidden meaning and may be special to someone and meaningless to others, right? But unfortunately what came next brought back the sad reason why Raymond was hospitalised and also made Raymond flip out and have a sudden anxiety/ panic attack as if he was re-living the memory where he screwed up big time and he didn't mean to.
When I saw how badly Raymond was screaming, I actually wondered myself if I have had an episode like this before. I think besides some painful first times like my first day at secondary school where I was so terrified of being in a room with other strangers and it was a whole new era and beginning which required me to have a learning support woman named Karen Davidson to watch over me from then on for a while (whoops I went off topic). I think I have been quite uncomfortable many times in life but I haven't panicked out like Raymond... except the day I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. Let's just say I have an awful and unforgettable reaction to the anaesthetics when I was 4, but that's another story!

 

Seeing Raymond's gift with numbers and calculations shows that because he is different doesn't make him an idiot, if anything he's far from one because of his incredible knowledge that even he doesn't know how to use it, it just comes to him like being asked a question and your answers are second nature. Charlie took advantage of that by going to Vegas to count cards, you know in the film The Hangover well that entire scene was actually based off of this film and had a more comedy parody to it especially when Bradley Cooper was swearing at the camera for fun, lad.

Plus Raymond got a sweet surprise which was nice and an achievement though he didn't know it.

I've mentioned several times about my memory ability like Raymond. Mine is more of a recollection or being able to remember things that I've enjoyed compared to the troublesome issues with remembering things that I struggled with like School/ College work because sometimes I had no interest to learn it or try to. Even my main man, Lewis has often called and mentioned my similarity to Rain Man and also showed me the film, I'm happy and pleased that he saw that in me in my relation to memory skills. And I'm pleased that with my impersonation skills that I can be fun for people or children by mimicking the voices of Disney characters, the minions and for adults and teens, I like doing all  Batman (The Dark Knight Trilogy) villains, almost every Family Guy character and some other characters from my memory.
But learning when to talk about things that are in my head or speaking in my voices is what I'm learning to control  because I fear that people are either too afraid or too polite to tell me to shut up when I'm over-excited or don't know when to stop and I fear that's the reason people abandoned me or I come across as socially awkward or like a sore thumb in a way. Even today, I apologised to 2 mates at work after going on about some things that I recalled several times in the day/ week and they got tired of me repeating myself but when I apologised they told me not to say sorry. Because I shouldn't need to apologise for being myself, it's just hard to cope/ understand me and I agree as I am trying to learn to "love myself before I can love anybody else" (what Lewis has told me several times) and to follow Eminem's advice "to not give a f**k about what others think and just be yourself", but what if being myself is fun and chaotic for others and myself depending on how we are that day. But it can't be that bad, cause I'm still friends with many people who love/ care about me and have put up with me to this day, so that's something.

When I saw the ending the first time, I cried because it was heartbreaking to see the reality on what was best to do. But there's a heartwarming moment too when two men gently place their heads against each other to show the sign of confirmation and understanding in it's own special way. I have to acknowledge the ending and know it does end on good terms and in an epiphany way for Charlie and Raymond. When it was over, I was that upset that I needed a big hug from Mum as I was sobbing a little. Even Rebecca was upset when I showed her the film several months ago. Don't let my sadness stop you watching it (it's like The Land Before Time) it's happy after all.

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Before I end this story, I wanna share some good news that's been starting to happen for me. First of all, I actually reached 10km on my 25th Jog last Saturday. What an Achievement?! This is now proving to myself that I will conquer the Tough Mudder with my bros and I should believe in myself more. I'd better write up a post soon to help promote it, if anyone's willing to make a small donation to Help For Heroes that would be great.
Plus now that Stock Change is almost over at work, me and almost everyone in the team are going out for a meal this Friday evening and it's gonna be good. And I'm pretty sure that next weekend, I'll be venturing back up to Manchester to see Lewis and all his flat mates for the last time since my first time there back in November 2013 and this year's it's all their last year. So gotta make the most out of the weekend with them all and I aim to keep in touch with them all and somehow maybe see them again during my life. Plus this week, I'm purchasing my 1st bike from work!
I've also been wondering and thinking up some super special and private stories to share with you all on here, like my school lives and how I've evolved over those years of education and mention my diagnosis day (most likely once I reach 10,000 total views as a celebration and awareness post) and maybe even mention something that ties to me personally but somehow it's weird and silly, but once it's up it'll make me feel more at peace with it but not change the facts because I've grown up with it this way. Oh and a few Anime reviews are still to come when I have the time.

Hope your all doing awesome and cheers for taking a look at this serious and fascinating post, there's still more to come!

Beech Road, Field, Horsham (Childhood Memories)

This small random post is just something to share cause at the moment I have been trying to write up a few special reviews like Rain Man and August Rush. But yesterday during another productive day at work, I was reminising at the memories during my Primary School life and how after school, I would stay with my godparents and go on dogwalks with Andrea. Because this field looked like nothing to me back when I was 6/8 years old, nowadays places like this really help me find peace like when I daydream and gaze up at the sky.

The last few weeks have been confusing for me because a few people have left me hanging. Plus work has become very busy this week and next week as well. But I still have small fragments of hope because it's what keeps me going and it helps me continue to plan more things instead of just waiting around for it to come to me. So after work, I rushed over to Beech Road, Horsham where I used to go on dogwalks about 15 years ago during my primary school life with Andrea, my childminder, g and good friend of my mum. It was a random impulse that felt so different to actually go out and do after a long days work, it felt like I actually went out of my comfort zone but it felt necessary because it had been in my head all day and I didn't want to delay it.

The view from the carpark looked just the way it did back in the day, only this time there was a pathway to the basketball court and also within the tree's, a small playground had been built out of wood and helped turn this area into a more lively place for children to play like in a forest (even though it's in a suburban area). After passing through the trees and bushes, I came out to the long view which was the area outline of the whole field and on the other side of where I was standing was the great unknown forest. Seeing as today it was all Muddy, I felt I had to cut-short my little time away plus it was a little chilly, the fields's were soaking wet with rain and mud and it didn't feel quite identical to how I remembered it in my head. But it doesn't stop me from coming again in the Summer when the forest will be lush green and full of sounds and the flowers will be in bloom under a clear blue sky... it sounds wonderful but honestly a little un-manly but I don't care, I hardly get to feel or explain this side of me in real life. Maybe then, I'll have a special someone or the right group of friends to share a good day or short walk instead of doing the usual when we get together and besides, long walks are quite peaceful and calming for me and others, why not go out and enjoy talking whilst exploring, right?

As I was taking several photos and a few panormaic pics on my Iphone 5, I didn't really have the confidence or time (let alone wellies) to go and venture into the mysterious forest as the sun was setting and I was alone (I felt a little like Winnie The Pooh in the quite dark themed adventure in the film Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search For Christopher Robin. I reckon next time, it'll be more of an adventure. Plus my mate Mark Green influenced me really after him and his gf went to Leith Hill, Dorking for a walk and took quite amazing pictures and looked like a really great day out on a sunny day in the forest and gazing out over the hills.
Even Ashdown Forest, East Sussex (where the 100 Acre Wood was inspired by) is a place I want to return to since I went when I was 6 and even went the the bridge to do "Pooh Sticks" (the name sounds wrong, but it's actually something from the books) and it still looks lush and amazing, see for yourself in the links pictures. Plus there's Leechpool & Owlbeech Woods, Tilgate Forest, Crawley and St. Leonards Forest, Horsham someday as well to go off on a wander around.

Anyway, after taking the pictures within half an hour, my phone's battery decided to die even though the f***er was at 40+%ish battery and I couldn't turn it back on, looking at it, it must have been a sign that it was time to head home already and save this for another day.
But I actually wanted to pop over to my Godparents house (round the corner) and catch up and mention what I'd done. I actually caught Andrea and her neighbour who I've known since I was very little Maureen as they were about to set off and walk the dogs, so we all spoke to eachother for a few mins as this was a mis-calculated time but it didn't stop us from planning another time in the future to all go out like the good old days and go there again (but more on a pleasant day in the Summer).

Looks like all the small things and little memories help bring out the enthusiasm and inspiration to escape to a nice place that isn't just being imagined or dreamt up again only in my head. I feel proud that I want to go out and explore instead of being cooped up in a warehouse or at home during the week. I hope to find the right people/ person to share these moments and days with when it comes to going for a walk around British countryside instead of around our urban/ rural areas. I'll have to wait and see who's up for an adventure.

So now, I need to remember that things can only get better if I try and make them out to be. The Tough Mudder is approaching and I'm gonna keep on training and not give into doubt and fear in failing plus I need to write up the preview story like I did for my Skydive and see if anyone's willing to sponsor me and the team for the charity Help For Heroes.
And even if I get let down by others, I should try to plan more things in the week so that I'll have something to do on a Friday evening and weekend with good company and also try to do more things like going to a club or something.