My Autistic Behaviour With Rock/ Metalcore Music, Anger And Anxiety

I've had these feelings in my head for months and I've been wondering how to explain this all out. I've come up with an idea to use my taste in music with some examples and videos (and a few dramatic pictures of me) to help me express all of this. You might learn something about myself (even I might) and this is all so that I can find peace from it all. So here I'm using lyrics from lots of songs as clear examples of my thoughts and confusion that I've been swimming in the last couple months. I don't know what will be accomplished by all of this, but it'll help me feel better. And it's an intriguing relation to Aspergers in it's own serious/ dramatic way!
I was originally going to call this post "My Autistic Behaviour with Rock, Metalcore and Screaming!"
I don't want anyone to worry or think different of me (that's the last thing I'd want). I dont have mental problems/ issues (paranoia, schizophrenia, bipolar etc), I'm just expressing so much to help others and myself understand how I've been feeling deep down so that I can feel much better!

This post is talking about my autistic view on a serious and intriguing music genre, I've wondered how to write this all out over the last 4 months. What's the reason for it? And why have I got this mixed attraction and confusion over a genre that I like which is now beginning to become melancholy? Have I become Cantankerous?

I've stated time and time again through previous posts about my link and deep connection to shouting to Rock and Metal music. I first talked here and then in an old Aspergers post, but here I want to go into more detail.

How do you express rage? Do you mimic in the mirror or mime songs or even try to scream like people like them? I do.

During these last few months, I've been having fun and enjoying myself but it sucks that life's
cruel reality is to work 5 days a week and I now have to motivate myself into going to gym and to slowly but surely get round to learning Code (IT Programming) when I'm not getting distracted after work. But because of this atmosphere I sometimes suffer in silence and I retreat to the option of putting one earphone in and shutting out the world and just trying to focus on my music to comfort me whilst working hard all the time. I really need to push myself once this is post is done and look into maybe The Open University or talk to some friends on purchasing creative apps so that things can take off and I will head back onto the main road and go into IT in the future, which is something I've always wanted to do and I'm sure it'll happen pretty soon when my balance isn't low.

So anyway, I've been listening to a lot of Rock, Alternative and Metalcore for a while now because I'm always tired, stressed, anxious and impatient with things. I think these emotions have stirred up my feelings on these bands but have also opened my mind to some subliminal messages that I'm beginning to discover and consider using them as examples/ reasons why I have turned out like this!
So let's start off from the beginning.

I was introduced to Rock and Alternative music during my first couple months at College when I became close friends with Lewis. He helped show me Linkin Park, Limp Bizkit, Lostprophets, The All-American Rejects etc along with introducing me to all sorts of genres including Punk (Bowling For Soup, blink-182, Green Day etc) and Electronic (Gorillaz, Owl City) & 8-bit (Elva, Henry Homesweet etc) and a bit of Rap and Hip-Hop (mainly Eminem and a bit of Dr. Dre). Anyway... he helped introduce me to the world of music and all it's genres as well as fill up my iTunes to such an extent that now I'm full up and have loads and loads of stuff to listen to (though I haven't even listened to all or more than one album of several things he's give me to this day) haha.

So I want to mention some bands as examples and use their lyrics to help show off my music taste as well as dramatically and emotionally tie in to my own twisted feelings. Like always, don't worry about me, people. I am just talking, there's no need to worry about me, I just think deeply about things and this is the kind of Autism or personality I seem to show when I'm in a bad place. But a lot of you know the real me, which is what really matters! And you know how much fun I can be, how much love I have to give and how I really am! So Thank you!
By the way, the YouTube vids can't be watched on here, just click on the "Watch On YouTube" button if you're interested or curious to listen (I hope you do) *wink*
Go to the toilet, grab a snack/ drink and a seat cause this is gonna take a while...

Let's start off with Linkin Park!
These were one of (maybe the first) bands I was ever shown that I was instantaneously hooked on after hearing Papercut...

or was it In The End?

They were a great introduction to how 2 totally different genres (Rock and Hip-Hop) could blend together to create something outstanding and perfect that it didn't matter that most didn't like it. It wasn't too heavy for me compared to the stuff I listen to nowadays. Chester Bennington is incredible for his talented echo whether he's shouting or not. And Mike Shinoda has said some of the most powerful rhymes that I have memorised so passionately. I was listening to them from 2009 till now and listened to their albums over and over again during college and anywhere possible. To me, there words touched me on being able to express anger and emotions not as aggressive but more to comfort me and it's where I discovered the first time that I listened to them to help comfort me when I was uncomfortable as well as just play them for fun since they were so cool.
The first time I properly discovered them was during the credits of the first Transformers film where What I've Done was played at the end. Then Lewis introduced me to all their stuff since that song was from their third album.

Over the last year, I've been digging deeper into the lyrics behind many of their songs and how I relate to them. Here are some examples, Somewhere I Belong - besides the name saying it all, it explains how confused I feel being alone and how I want to find something to help me feel better. I feel confused and can see that and I want to let go of this pain that I've had so long (lyrics to song).

Breaking The Habit (learning to control my actions and words and wondering if they are the reason why I feel this confused), A Place For My Head (when everything becomes too much to handle), Nobody's Listening (explaining my dark feelings), Leave Out All The Rest (feeling sorry for myself and regretting my actions and wondering if I need help) etc. I could list much more but instead I've left the links to the playlists unless you're already a hardcore LP fan already *fistbumps the screen*. Even their Reanimation album is unique and equals to the first album's awesomeness.

I will mention how before I discovered more artists (some heavier), I reckon this song Victimized (1:18secs till end) (and sorta agree to the remix version) was my heaviest song that I'm surprised they managed to do since A Place For My Head, Faint and Given Up (where Chester screams for 17 seconds). It was the song I played where I wished I could scream as powerfully as Chester when I'd had enough. I'm liking their new stuff (Keys To The Kingdom, War, Rebellion) from their latest album from last year.

Even this awesome amv from the Bleach anime shows how awesome the song is and features some content/ spoilers as to what I wish I could do since I have this darkness/ monster inside me as do most of us. Sometimes causing destruction and fighting can take the anger out but it's not right in real life, let alone possible.

It's still good and fun to just rock out and shout and rap along to every song, some of my favs are Don't Stay, which I wish they had played Live when I saw them.
When I saw them live at Download Festival 2014, it was like a dream come true. I sung my heart out to every song they played as I knew all the lyrics as did Lewis and it shows right now that even if I'm using their work in a serious and low mood, they still produce amazing work and I'm glad I was introduced to them by my best friend. THE SAME GOES TO EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE POST.
Back then, I hid away my problems and just enjoyed one of the best days of my life seeing a band that have been there for me and I am proud to be a fan and to have been there and then on that momentous occasion.
https://itunes.apple.com/gb/artist/linkin-park/id148662
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Next up is when during my Saturdays at work back in 2010/ 2011 where Luke introduced me to heavy rock and metal, mainly Bullet For My Valentine and then later, 30 Seconds To Mars.

The 2 songs I was most enjoying from BFMV was Tears Don't Fall (that opening scream is still amazing and gets me every time with my earphones in).

And Hand Of Blood, they were the ones Luke played the most when his phone was plugged into the system at work. I find them to be pretty good and at first I was a bit hesitant to endure how much more heavier this was to LP. But I don't really listen to them that often, though I did hear Scream Aim Fire a couple months ago.
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I actually discovered 30 Seconds To Mars through a trailer for the Legend Of The Guardians film (ya know that one about the owls) because they used the epic and uplifting song Kings and Queens in the trailer. But I am tied at loving This Is War or even Closer To The Edge at best song from their 3rd album. However their 2nd album is slightly heavier, thanks to the aggressive vocals which show the Pro-Rock side especially in Attack, Saviour and R-Evolve.

When Jared screams (3:40sec) at the top of his amazing lungs "This is who I really am", I feel that's what I want to shout to everyone or the world because not everyone understands or tries to see the real me and I come across as someone else because I'm afraid to be me.

I couldn't stop watching this epic and genius youtube vid montage featuring clips from Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core, VII: Advent Children (best clips), VII, IX and the one I own so far Dissidia. This is too perfect and just fits the song!

However on a better note, this song is sensational and has a remarkable video which reminds me and everyone on how awesome life really is and how music can influence it all. We can live our lives on the edge and have no regrets about anything, I think deep down I don't have regrets since everything happens in our lives for a reason. Perhaps it's destiny. I think... no, I know I can enjoy life much better if I focus on things and actually look forward instead of swirling around in the past and present. I mean, I already seem to be doing amazing beyond belief in the past 2 years as you all will have read on here, I just need to keep it going and to see it all better. And I will!
*They must be insanely awesome live!* especially during the crowd chant to the most important part of this song! (3:00) and to see everyone fist bump the air in synchronisation like they were born to do it!
Plus I need to get round to looking at their first album, though sadly their newest album tones down the hype and awesomeness a little for me. But I think he'll do an interesting performance in the new Suicide Squad film.
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Right after Download Festival, I discovered Hands Like Houses on iTunes having been looking up Tyler Carter from Issues and saw he featured in a song with these guys.
I've mentioned a couple times on AsperJosh and included music videos during my CTE live post.
I love these Aussie guys and think their work is awesome. They're first album was surprisingly hardcore thanks to the lyrics and heavy instruments they did. The 2nd album is mixed but softer a bit on the vocals and their EP is a great acoustic mix of several of their songs from their previous album (all definitely worth a listen).
I'll leave a couple vids to prove it.

I look forward to their latest album at the end of the month which appears to be finally turning into a heavy rock album since throughout their work, Trenton has that potential and has slightly shouted/ emphasised on several words and I think he can really become something!
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I've already said before in my post from when I saw them live just under a year ago, about how I discovered Crown The Empire.

Their song Machines came up as a recommendation after listening to HLH - Introduced Species and I discovered a much heavier style of rock called Metalcore. When I had my earphones in on that day, I wasn't expecting that scream drop after the calm and slowly rising intro to the song. It was like discovering something explosive and was just the beginning to a future taste in music which has now grown wider thanks to the connections with other bands and particularly from Rise Records.
Andrew "Andy Leo" is the head of the band and I think is a mixed vocalist on both clean and unclean vocals (even his scream equals on power and awesomeness to Davids).
The ferocity and duration of David's voice is amazing and talented (plus it's like the highest level that I can endure and just about understand the lyrics).
I have both their albums so far and I'm proud to have seen em live. I love a lot of their songs and am trying to introduce them to a lot of my friends. I love how all songs are cloaked in the same theme and atmosphere (even if it's a little too heavy), I like the dedication and plot and it helps them stand out to many bands I know.
Song songs including Initiation, I love Initiation's theme of a trial to join the Rebellion (plus there is that Air Raid sound effect and that epic guitar in the background to the second chorus) "Nobody will come into the dark and save me" is the clear fact that only I can help myself.

MNSTR, I resemble the dark monster underneath from all the rage inside me and how I want to go crazy in a simulation or rampage. "So take these broken wings, they'll just slow me down" are for when the days of light disappear and I need to go dark for the time being. "I feel so god damn tired, And I can't escape the things I've lost. The cycle repeats and repeats, And I can't turn the f***ing power off". "I hate the things that I'm not, And I'm sick of how this has to end, I tried to reason with you, But now all of you are f***ing dead" Andrew says it all clearly on how I've had enough with certain people and I'd love to sort them out. 
And The Fallout, Makeshift Chesmitry, Menace and Evidence are several of my fav songs from them.
I like their style in lyrics and topics like a story of rebellion against the system of oppression (basically Rebels struggling to fight against an Empire during the Fallout). It's intriguing that their music videos are all linked and follow a story to their topic in a way (like Gorillaz).
But overall, they are awesome and really worth a listen! I'm now part of The Runaways.
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This band have been a major influence, relation and connection to my honest feelings and my own Aspergers. Issues are a truly unique band who have a similar style to CTE but Issues are a more mixed style of Metalcore with R&B, Pop and Nu Metal.
Whenever I'm listening to their EP and 10/10 self-titled album, I feel like I'm in a rock mood with both sad and happy emotions running through. Strangely I believe in my own weird way that their music is like having an Angel (Tyler Carter) and Devil (Michael Bohn) on my shoulders since they blend perfectly together. They create feelings like feeling sorry for myself for the negative side of my condition and how I give into pressure, confusion, anger and hatred with many reasons but the main reason that they are feeling it too with sympathy.

That reason may sound negative but I think it's just genius that 2 completely different music genres have been blended together (like LP) to create something outstanding and promising. I discovered them back in September on iTunes when Lewis sent me Mad At Myself and how he admitted that he couldn't stop listening to the lyrics (I became entranced too). To be introduced to a much heavier style to Linkin Park with a different style and similar blend in creative music was a great discovery.
I dug deep into the lyrics and saw how Tyler is (in a non criticism way) hurt and affected from a woman and can see why from the actions of himself or others and that Michael is expressing the rage, anger and dark actions to make these Issues less bad (if that makes sense). They both comfort each other and I felt that they were comforting me in a special way as I connect their words to situations in my life or to people.
Tyler, Michael were originally part of a slightly heavier band called Woe, Is Me and ended up splitting in 2013 to form Issues (everyone was worried it was gonna be Woe 2.0, but they certainly stand out from their previous work). Plus Hance Alligood went on after Woe to make Favorite Weapon whom I also found same time as Issues.

This song has a deep and sad topic behind not accepting homosexuality (which I do support and LGBT, everyone deserves to be happy!) with a few altered lyrics the song to my life (more focused on Aspergers in this case).
Never Lose Your Flames (acoustic version)

"Riddle me this, I gotta figure it out 

Are they laughing at me 

Because I'm prone to fear and doubt

Am I messed up, Am I loud

Well eat my dust that's all I am a speck out in the crowd

I'm trying to clear up the mess that I made

But the towel I used to soak up my worry it just went up in flames"

Plus when others tell me how to act when they think they are right

"You call yourself a doctor, you swear you got the cure

Prescribe yourself with medication when your feeling insecure"

And when I fall into depression from my actions

"It's my fault it's what I deserve

I need a blessing but I got a curse".

The acoustic version has a similar verse which is different to the original song. I used it in one of my other Aspergers posts about what it's like when I tell people about my Aspergers.

However I do actually enjoy their music on a regular basis and almost know every word. I am trying my hardest to actually not see them this seriously (right now it's cause of how I've been feeling, same goes for every other piece of music on here).
Every song is awesome to listen to (even their cover of Justin Bieber's Boyfriend, I really enjoy Sad Ghost, Life Of A Nine, The Langdon House and Tears On The Runway (Part 2) and Hooligans.

Another fascinating fact about them is that Tyler Carter has actually done his own EP where he has done his own R&B/ Pop songs, and they are just amazing!
It's surprising and pleasant to hear his voice without heavy music playing in the background for a change.
I really can't wait for when he releases an album or more work (I'm totally fanboying over him haha).

He is quite popular as he has been a guest in many songs (too many to list) but I will mention a few: Breathe Carolina (another great band I discovered in December with this album, Slaves (a good post-hardcore band with no screaming like HLH) and Jamie's Elsewhere and the best thing about all of them is that it's thank to searching up Tyler Carter on iTunes that I discovered all these other bands too!
And I think it's really sweet that he came out as Bisexual (good on him) during a Twitter rant where an employee was fired for supporting gay right... That's not cool man!
But I really do love these guys and I love the whole opposite attraction behind both voices!

Me and Lewis will be seeing them live at the KOKO in May!
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My imagination sparks like fire and before I know it, I'm imagining/ re-imagining fight scenes from films, I'm imagining apocalyptic fights because I'm bored or inspired or just creating music videos from bits and pieces like it's nothing (too bad all the copyright laws and getting hold of those clips/ moments from DragonBall Z, Chronicle, Prototype etc) is tough and impossible for me to try and create and show on YouTube).

I used to listen to a lot of heavier stuff when walking in town like it was a shield from feeling awkward around large crowds, I must have given off an aura like a dog backed up into a corner or someone who is hard to approach. I now wonder if I have all of this backwards on thinking I'm anxious or depressed from this music. I know metalheads who are always happy, positive even if they look like the typical metalhead with their hair and tattoos.

Perhaps I should smile, laugh and joke around with this interesting and different taste compared to maybe the majority of my generation. I mean, I had fun at Download in the tight and sweaty crowd seeing a band I adore and the atmosphere was unbelievable (perhaps I should apply that feeling to the working environment or if it's too much, just listen to something else more uplifting).

A lot of the time thanks to my imagination, I just want to explode in anger because of how uncomfortable and overwhelmed I have become. I don't wish to hurt others but I just want to break or unleash my anger on something instead of just continuously bottling it all in and having a face like thunder. I even wonder if I could go into a sound booth and attempt to doing a metalcore song from my list in front of people and maybe even impress them or just vent all my worries out.

It's like I imagine myself being focused and everything else around me is a blur or distortion because of the mood I'm in. Plus because I want to scream and shout and let it all out, I'd wish to create a Force Repulse (like in The Force Unleashed or the 1st Pokemon Movie) to push the pain out even if it hurt or destroyed things in the vicinity (which I don't really want because it sounds so cold and dark). But it's an idea in my head and would be quite the sight like in an action film.
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Before I talk about my last band example BMTH, I'm doing a little promotion for one of the Deathcore bands that my friends are in.

Another band is Opportunist (who one of my oldest friends from school Anthony is in and best friends with Aimy). Plus his gf Rosie is whom I did the Aspergers Interview with last year. Having formed in 2013, they've been playing live for 2 years and counting. They have played at local venues but have had bigger gigs and crowds up in London and down in Brighton.
You may recognise them from playing live with other bands including Vanity Draws Blood, A Night In The Abyss and She Must Burn.

The 5 lads work hard together to make their Progressive Deathcore work to grow and become something big. I've known Anthony (lead vocalist) since primary school but we haven't been able to see each other since but we obviously keep in touch through Facebook or passing by in town. The other lead vocalist Daniel I have met once at a neighbour's sons birthday party a couple years ago, I had no idea he was in a band like this and could scream so loudly (he sorta reminds me of David from CTE). One of my last friends from secondary school Oscar plays guitar and I see him from time to time in Crawley's HMV.
Check out their Facebook and Instagram for more details!
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Back in July when I was with Leanne, Ben and David celebrating her birthday, we were chilling in Horsham Park on a hot sunny day and they showed me several songs from Bring Me The Horizon, mainly their Sempiternal album. After hearing 2 songs, I surprisingly got into BMTH.

So ever since then, I listened to their Sempiternal album and fell in love with their music and level of metal which was much more endurable than their previous work. Interesting fact to mention, Sempiternal is Latin for Everlasting/ Eternal from which I'm guessing is a solemn vow on how they have changed their music and style for better and will keep it this way from now on. Plus their album cover features the Flower Of Life which is a captivating design to use on a metal album.
I like Sempiternal because it was an explosive and powerful collection of heavy rock/ metalcore which was new for me and it was a much easier album to get into compared to their old deathcore stuff.

Oliver "Oli" Sykes has been through a lot and it's been a journey for him that he had to endure. He was on bad drugs like Ketamine and went through rehab to conquer this awful habit and addiction so that he could come out on top for his friends, family and most importantly, for himself.
I admire how he came out on top and became a changed man all by himself despite being encouraged to turn his faith to God which he refused to since only he could help himself instead of putting his faith in something that doesn't exist (something we both believe). Sorry to Theists who are reading this.
I guess in my own way without comparing my troubles to his on an equal scale, I'm trying to overcome my own sense of depression/ anxiety problems so that I can go back to being a better me for everyone.

I love this genre, well it's mixed actually.

I can't tell if I'm bad, anxious, short-tempered or dark because of this taste in music or of I retreat to it when I'm upset/ angry, confused because I can't scream out loud (I'd make a scene) so I listen to others do it for me (like I mentioned in one of my oldest posts). On the other hand, I do like listening to this for head banging, epic moments and it hypes me up for the moment and it's just awesome.

Honestly, looking back on their old work (fair play to them) but it wasn't my kind of metal (it's like She Must Burn and Opportunist) because the artwork for the first album looked intriguing (it was a menacing Aquarium) but I got a nasty surprise to hear how loud it was and I couldn't understand what was being said haha. I dare you to try and last listening up to (1:40secs) when they say "Count you're f***ing blessings!".

I love in particular from their old stuff from the 3rd album, a song called Blessed With A Curse. It's the most endurable limit of core I can stand from them and also the lyrics mean something to me with my Aspergers, actions and behaviour and how they can sometimes not always workout well and I hate the way I am because of it. Sometimes it's a blessing and sometimes it's a curse.

"Ever since this began, I was blessed with a curse. 

And for better or for worse I was born into a hearse. 

I know I said my heart beats for you. 

I was lying girl, it beats for two. 

'Cause I've got your love when I've got these vices".

and

"Everything I touch turns to stone, turns to stone. 
So wrap your arms around me, and leave me on my own. 
Everything I touch turns to stone, turns to stone. 
So wrap your arms around me, and leave me on my own".

I like my idea on how their 3rd album There Is A Hell, Believe Me I've Seen It. There Is A Heaven, Let's Keep It A Secret is an interesting thought (and album cover which I relate to) on how I'm in a bad place but know that there is a better place to be (plus it's the time when Oli Sykes was on very bad drugs and began to change himself). Crucify Me (Feat. Lights) is what I listen to a lot when I need to hear someone shout for 6 minutes plus they quote the album name (so does Lights who features in the song). It Never Ends is another example to my current state "I've said it once, I've said it twice, I've said it a thousand f***ing times. That's I'm OK, that I'm fine, that it's all just in my mind. But this has got the best of me, and I can't seem to sleep."

Go To Hell, For Heaven's Sake was the first song that I heard by them and is my personal favourite *Beware, video contains disturbing imagery*. I like the name itself because if you swap the words around you can't tell which way is more proper to pronounce this curse to anyone.

Besides the video showing dark imagery and scenes (including hanging, corpses and blood), the lyrics are very powerful and show how you can say such evil things to someone who has caused you great pain and now you wish them the very worst.

Honestly, I'm not very fond of Oli's hair in this video since it reminds me of Howard Wolowitz from The Big Bang Theory, but the snowy atmosphere and shaking camera moments are cool.

And I can't stop myself sometimes from quietly shouting "What's dead can never die" and "This Is Sempiternal" because they are my favourite lyrics from Shadow Moses. I love the electric guitar in the song and the echo scream from those words.
Here's a funny link involving Patrick Starfish from Spongebob Squarepants that somebody made. Plus people often confuse Sempiternal with the words Sandpit Turtle (either way it's funny).
I also like their BBC Radio 1 Live Lounge performance of the song (that would have been cool to hear on the radio at work or whilst driving back then).

This may be their heaviest song on the Sempiternal album and I believe it's their 2nd best (or equal to Shadow Moses). *Warning the C word is used in this song once or twice*. I always imagine this being played during a massive fight or if I was back to back with someone during a circle of enemies. Plus it makes good adrenaline, rage gym music to get serious and for me to imagine being in the very battle scenes I've witnessed in films, anime or games or just shear imagination.

I also like their latest album That's The Spirit, which is a toned down album from all their work (I guess Oli wanted to try something new or just take the pressure off his throat) it's still good though. True Friends, Run and Avalanche are excellent tracks (I always have end up playing them most days since they are so addictive).
Throne was my personal favourite, I like how you can take so much pain and crap and use it to help make you stronger, something I need to learn to do. Avalanche has some serious lyrics about being lost and how pain can affect us physically and mentally (something I'm feeling).

Happy Song is best song (no question about it), I like how this song has a rock theme whilst he's singing which is a change and features a good shout out at the end. The lyrics are comforting and it's almost like encouraging you to sing your own Happy Song when you feel down, bad or just sh*t.

This *censored* live performance is excellent and I like how it sounds almost exactly as the album. I'm gonna enjoy this song a lot when I see them in November with Kathy.

This song Drown is actually the spark that made me want to write this all up, after hearing this back in September when the album was released, I decided to apply these thoughts, lyrics and feelings to myself and begin to confess my feelings in order to feel better.
Oli's words reach out to me on how when your stuck and feel like your done for that you need help and all of this has to stop. Part of the solution is help from others but it's actually on you that can save yourself and bring you back to peace.

"What doesn't kill you makes you wish you were dead

Got a hole in my soul, growing deeper and deeper.

And I can't take one more moment of this silence

The loneliness is haunting me

And the weight of the world is getting harder to hold up"

and 

"I'm not okay, and it's not alright.

Won't you drag the lake and bring me home again?"

plus (Chorus)

"Who will fix me now? Dive in when I'm down?

Save me from myself, don't let me drown.

Who will make me fight? Drag me out alive?

Save me from myself, don't let me drown"

finally 

"Cause you know that I can't do this on my own"

It's like I'm looking for a hand to reach out to me from my friends and family after every thing that I'm feeling and having said, this hand will help lift me up along with this uplifting song and bring me out of this hole that I've dug myself in.
Dramatic and psychological as it may be, I know that all these feelings are helping me grow up and that I am getting back up after all this stress so that I can get back into seeing my life more positively instead of being swept away by this whirlpool of emotions.

I think the thing that I'm trying to apply to myself as well as respect most about Oli Sykes is how he went through a lot in his life. I can't compare to the pain, drugs and rehabilitation, but I do like this video on how his words of wisdom help symbolise a journey that he went through and learned how to accept his past and find the light through darkness.
I'm going to try to follow his words and begin to change my views for the better!
See the video for better detail.

http://www.thrashhits.com/2013/02/interview-bring-me-the-horizon-talk-sempiternal/

He even has his own clothing range called DropDead, I'm really interested in this from there and I do have a BMTH Sempiternal Tank-top and Shadow Moses T-shirt from Impericon during Christmas last year.
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Work has it's ups and downs thanks to some people and the recent month of arguing over going to Africa during the busiest time period of September (luckily it's been sorted now).
I normally zone out and tuck away into my head as the music is playing in one earphone but I can't help but notice the way I have become.
But it's all due to change and not being able to express myself correctly and sadly things are the way they are and I can't adjust to it so easily or feel cool about it.

I wonder if deep down this music is really influencing or corrupting my behaviour. I'm not saying I should stop listening for good because then I may as well stop playing violent video games, watching adult films or laughing at dark humour. It's too late to stop and believe this theory. I just need to tone down the anxiety and digging deeper into things so easily. I gotta stop being so serious and stuff.

I ask Mum and Dad or people who know me best if "I'm broken?" or "Confused beyond help?" I don't like thinking this way but after everything I've said and always seem to come back to, I don't understand why I see this side to my life when compared to my achievements, things I have changed and what I have in my life that's worth living for.
Is this my Aspergers? To dig too deep into things that I create a hole and can't get out of it alone? "But I know that I'm loved by many for the way I am!" I need to keep looking at that poster I have in my room more often!

Having confessed all of this, one thing that I've recently thought about is wondering if "Sometimes you have to go through a lot of bad to get the good later on".
I just need to learn and teach myself to stop always blaming myself or thinking that it's always my fault (sometimes I've done nothing wrong). If people change their views on me or can't handle me or even choose to ignore me, I can't beat myself up when I'm always trying my best to be myself even if I can be a handful or too much. I once tried to be someone else and hold back on showing my true colours and even though I felt very uncomfortable and anxious about it all, I know I have true friends in my life who like and love me for the way I am. And that's something unique and special about myself.

From the bottom of my heart, I thank you all for taking your time to read my thoughts as always. I know I've come across as serious and stuff. But life can only get better if I learn to stop focusing on the bad times and look forward to the good times ahead. 
I may even look into one of those Adult Colouring Books for relieving stress off Amazon.
I'm trying to listen to more uplifting music (some examples include:)

Follow Arctic Empire for more amazing songs, videos and remixes ;)

During this week, things have begun to cheer up. I watched Sword Art Online at last during last week, I'm so happy and pleased that Kurt watched it yesterday and now he's starting to want to watch more Anime! I also saw Deadpool on Thursday with Kathy (that should go up next week).
And I have a Date for Valentines! I've been talking to her for a week and feel really happy talking to her so we've got a day out in Brighton... I hope the weather is nice. Ha, this is the first Valentines that I'm actually excited for.
Like the song below, things can only get better once you've released your stress. Life is wonderful for me and... The Best Is Yet To Come!

I couldn't find the actual album version, so a Live one will have to do...

Plus Dad showed me this spectacular video last night and said "If you ever feel down or anything, just watch this. It shows just how big our Universe really is and how something small can make a huge difference!"