Technical Issue!

AsperJosh has suffered a heavy impact. Every picture on every post before the Africa one has been lost due to an album online becoming corrupted.
I have almost every picture stored across 2 laptops and will slowly begin to re-upload them to my posts over a long period of time!
I will be starting from latest posts and work backwards to re-upload the pictures.
Thank you for understanding!
Joshua :'(

UPDATE - Fixed Posts

2015 posts fixed so far:
- Tough Mudder 2015 - MCM Expo 2012 + Past Experiences - Telling People, I Have Aspergers - 5CPS - Marvel Phase Three - Attack On Titan - MCM Oct 2015 - Interstellar - Star Wars VII - Star Wars Original Trilogy - Star Wars Prequel Trilogy - Star Wars Battlefront - The Fault In Our Stars - Chronicle - Evans Night Out + Winter Wonderland 2015 -

2014 posts fixed so far:
- A Year's Progression At The Gym - 5CPS - The Land Before Time - X-Men Premier - X-Men DOFP - Halloween 2015 - Online Dating - Macbook Pro -

House MD, 3 Years Driving currently in progress.
More to be mended

Thursday, 27 April 2017

My Good, Bad and Awkward Views on Facebook

To commemorate National Autism Awareness for April, I've decided to share my thoughts on my actions and behaviour with one of the biggest social media's on the internet. I want to disclose my thoughts as to what I feel whenever I try to interact on Facebook because a lot of the time, these feelings make me ill and paranoid and affect my views on friends and life. Or I could just be over analysing everything ha.
I'm quite scared about this but I feel that it'll help others as well as myself understand how interacting on a screen is different to the real world and how there are mixed reactions to everything that we choose to do.
This is quite a bold / fresh post to express some feelings out and I fear as my friends read this as to what will come of it. The fact is that I've been up and down like a see-saw with the reactions and my actions whenever I use Facebook when I'm tired or when I've been feeling a little sh*t sometimes. I've had doubt and stupid thoughts when trying to talk to some people because for some reasons it's just not so simple as talking to close friends. I don't understand why it's become this way and why I'm taking it to heart.
But I believe that with every post I write and pour my heart and soul into, I learn to grow as a better person and others will learn new things about the friend called "Josh Grahame". But rest assured, I'm not here to name names and point fingers, I'm just explaining what feelings I have from good, bad and weird thoughts that I've developed and stand by and why.

There's no need to introduce or explain what Facebook is because everyone is bound to know what it is. Facebook help you connect and share with the people in your life.
I personally enjoy Facebook because it does what it says on the Login page. It helps me communicate with my friends, check out posts are being uploaded and allows me to express my feelings and promote my blog. Ever since I joined this social media in September 2009, when I had just finished School and was entering College, I had a flood of friend requests from all the Forest Boys who wanted to add me as a friend (I was a little surprised thanks to the mixed behaviour I got from many).
And ever since, my social life, confidence, history and Facebook timeline has grown and progressed as the years go on and I can see for myself on how much I have changed, improved and increased my Friends List.

I admit that only until last year, the whole Liking option finally got an upgrade that helped categorise the support. Thanks to the introduction of Emojis, it's become more text based but also helps try to add in that human interface because it used to be awkward and easily misread when people like your status when your sad or at a funeral...
I'm glad that they introduced these 5 addition Like options because they can be used for a variety of responses to people's posts and pictures.
- Normal Like - Supportive
- Heart Like - Admiration
- Laughing Like - Hilarious
- Wow Like - Amazement
- Sad Like - Condolences
- Angry Like - Shared Anger

To me and this is gonna seem quite sad but for a couple years now, I've learned that I seem to feed off of attention and receiving Likes whenever I post onto my Facebook. The psychological reasons that I've sussed out are:
1) Knowing that people have left a mark on my post helps indicate that they have seen my post and have responded positively to my thoughts / work.
2) I feel empathy from others when I see the list grow and feel like I got my message across.
3) The right people know what to say to make me feel good again and I enjoy the positive compliments / reassurance depending on what I chose to post.
4) I'm learning to not over analyse what to say since it's all about the expression that makes us all different and sometimes it's best to take risks (not enough to get myself in trouble though).
But despite all that, I can never stop being me and I know that I'm a good person for caring a lot about others and showing support to whatever they post as I'd like to have that same feeling back.

So now I'm giving some short points from what I can think up at this moment as to what Good things come from whenever I use Facebook.

- Make plans with friends
It's the perfect planner to organise and keep friends posted on upcoming events. And people can communicate to sort out times, locations etc.
- Support and like people's thoughts and pictures
Everyday I like and comment on people's posts because I want to give them that same support, reassurance, agreement and humour as I'd like to get back from them.
- Share my thoughts too
If everybody can post honestly and confidently then I should be able to as well. I think before I speak and a lot of the time, I'm posting Instagram pictures or sharing reviews and telling everyone what I' up to. I think it's a confidence booster and keeps people updated on what I'm up to as well.
- Sometimes need attention and support
Expressing to friends helps get the Anxiety out of my system and words and private messages from people can help cheer me up and remind me of how loved and valued I am by my friends.
- See funny, adorable, inspiring, silly vids everyday
Most of my friends post great stuff everyday and it's funny, adorable, inspiring and silly / cute things and videos that can help lift me up again or make my day better because I've found something great.
- Reminisce the memories with friends
I tend to take pictures and tag people in them to help add to my online yearbook so that I can say that I was here with these people and it'll be a good reminder to show how connected and popular I am with them. The more the merrier and the Facebook Friendversary videos put a smile on my face when I realise just how long and interactive I've been with most friends that I'll be with, hopefully forever.
- Add people to boost confidence in socialism
I'm just as guilty as everyone that my friends list is ginormous because I either easily add acquaintances or people from holidays / days out. I even add women who I'm mutual friends with because if they choose to add me back, I'll feel a bit more special because I can make friends with people or the fact that we like the look of each other and I'll feel desirable or that I've got it when I forget that I've had it all along.
- Promote my blog (wouldn't be as popular as I am without)
My creation AsperJosh is my pride and joy and it's thanks to promoting on Instagram and Facebook that I wouldn't be as popular and such a bit hit as I am now. I'm not far from 100,000 Total Views which is remarkable and it's thanks to Facebook's promoting ability and my popularity and support growing that I've achieved this much attention and feel valued that my thoughts are being read and understood by my piers and people all around the world.
- Memes are taking over the Internet
The fact that people are so creative with making screenshots from films and shows or just pictures off Google and adding some text can make you triggered or laugh and be able to relate to. I think Meme's are hilarious especially the Spiderman ones and when people use them in comment wars or as a response. I always save them for my moments too where I can make people laugh or if I can't think up a witty comeback to banter moments ha.
- Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Messenger Stories are all connected
It's not surprising that all these other applications are all building bridges between one another like a web network. The ability to share things from one app to the other helps show everyone what you're up to and sometimes I receive more attention on one than the other which is a surprisingly good thing. And I've learnt that I tend to show off on Snapchat and Messenger Stories what I'm listening / watching and doing as I find that comfort and ego building pleasure from showing what I enjoy and sometimes it helps start conversations from people that I hardly ever speak to or never got round to doing. It's an ironic but really interesting feeling and it's one of the best feelings that I feel a lot.
- Wishing everyone a Happy Birthday
Everyday I try to remember to wish my friends a Happy Birthday because I was brought up this way and I would hope that they try to remember to do the same for me.

The Bad views are for when I know that there are limitations to using Facebook. Sometimes it can restrict and make us forget to actually communicate with our voices instead of just tapping away on screens.

- Cannot always read words properly (misunderstanding)
The fact that we type out responses (sometimes without emojis) it can most times give off the wrong impressions which in turn can cause mixed reactions. It's awkward and can cause chaos which is why I sometime go overboard on using emoji's last year when trying to get my posts and messages across so that people would understand what feelings I was feeling and the approach I was trying to give off. Good thing, I've lightened up now and don't need a lot to get my messages across anymore. But they help add in that human feeling instead of us feeling like we're talking to a screen with words.
- Dangers of posting things on Social Media
I've seen horrible things on Facebook that some people just end up posting (I've seen cats being thrown into a river once) and I've been so enraged by the thoughtless actions of people in videos and that theirs nothing that can be done about it. Plus theirs bad exploitation and repercussions from when people upload revealing pictures and families now have to think twice before uploading pictures of children because of what some sick people can edit and do to such innocent pictures.
- Texting/ Messaging takes over phone calling
Mum and Dad always remind me when I'm annoyed about something on Facebook that back in the day, they would only communicate in person or use the telephone. I'm guilty of barely ever phoning people because texting is the norm for my generation and it would be good to remember to speak and hear other people's voices compared to waiting and tapping responses from people instead.
- Technology taking over our lives (Einstein technology fear quote)
Albert Einstein once said how he feared the day that technology would take over our lives, ironic that it kinda has. I've seen teenagers in Restaurants on their phones for ages and how it's rude and gives off impressions when people forget to put the screen down and look up at the world. I'm just as guilty sometimes when I'm trying to pause conversations but I know theres a world outside and I don't stare at my phone as much as I did when I was in college. So long as we remember to interact with everyone instead of having a group all on their phones, theres still faith in humanity and that the machines haven't taken over us just yet.
- Some people just don't want to talk (how else am I supposed to communicate) I feel like they don't want to talk to me and I'm scared that we'll drift apart. 
It's hard understanding that some people just don't want to talk or communicate like everyone else. I've taken it to heart for ages and wondered if it's just because it's me or if something ever happened between us. But then again, the fact that we are still friends and will give short interactions whenever we choose to, still means something and I think it's something I need to embed into my brain instead of feeling low that I can't talk to some people anymore (more on this later).
- Facebook and Messengers constant updates
They seem to think that updating every 2 weeks is an excellent way to keep the apps fresh... It's so annoying having to make space on my iPhone 5S and update the darn things. And sometimes their so called "updates" change everything and can even cause bugs in the system and affect the speed and cause freezing which is just "wonderful" *sarcasm*.

Lastly, my Awkward thoughts are for when I'm over-analysing everything or when being tired and Anxious has become too much and is now affecting my behaviour.

- When you show lots of attention, it can be seen as "Stalking". Like a post from way back
Everyday I end up leaving a trail behind of Josh's likes and comments to anything that I see on my wall as I scroll through several times a day. I'm trying to give people the attention that they want. But sometimes I end up wondering if I'm becoming too much for people like I'm obsessed or something. But then again, if I see other friends of that person showing attention to them as well then sure;y I shouldn't think bad of myself for trying to do the same (even if it's an old picture from before because I was checking out what my friends have been up to?) I dunno, besides if they didn't want the attention then why did they upload it to Facebook then?
- Can be stressful if unsure if I should share something
I have to think very carefully before posting anything as I am unsure what can come from the reactions and the amount of attention at the time. I've had several moments on Facebook when I say something and then people come on to attack me and then a flood of my real friends step in to defend me which is one of the most unexpected and heartwarming times. But I need to learn to stop over-thinking everything and just be brave and do what everyone else does - express yourself (like the song). And if it's that bad or goes t*ts up then just delete it (which rarely ever happens).
- People tell you to not care about what others think (not easy for everyone)
Not just on here but in real life, I have to think hard about what to wear, plan or choose to do if I'm going to socialise in public with people. I know I can't wear some clothing on a night out which sucks as I want to show off my interests instead of wearing mainstream clothing that more than one person is bound to be wearing as well. But on Facebook, it's like a barrier where I don't know how to breach the glass and be myself without feeling trapped in my heard from thinking the stupidest things until people say the right / reassuring answers to help me and snap me out of this delusion.
- The feeling when people forget to reply or I don't get some attention back 
This is one of the main reasons that I chose to write this up. I seem to take it to heart when people upload something and I join on the bandwagon in praising them or supporting them as I get back from them. But sometimes I notice that my comment gets ignored compared to everyone else's like I've been singled out. I can't tell if I did something wrong or that they simply forgot to or didn't think it was necessary to respond. The same feeling happens when people forget to respond to a message and then several days later they remember to or it takes a reminder a while later to kickstart the conversation again. It's stupid of me to think this way but I think the anxiety doesn't help when I feel like I'm always doing things wrong or the fact that I'm just taking things to heart because of the mood I'm in at the moment. To make matters more worse, sometimes I get even more down if certain people don't give me back the attention when I've been supporting them for a long time and it makes me wonder if I should hold back on giving them more or the simple fact that they have seen it anyway and don't think they need to interact which is annoyingly the truth that I can't seem to handle yet.
Luckily this isn't an everyday thing and people know what I'm really like which helps remind me that I'm not broken or so muddled up and things blow over the next day (as I'm learning to move on from that weird feeling or keeping track of these weird moments with some people).
- Thinking up the stupidest ideas or what reactions could come
The lifestyle that I live with, thinking "anything can happen" like the Quantum Universe thing, makes it hard for me to sometimes just relax and enjoy the moment and life instead of thinking up lists of things that are unnecessary. I seem to infect myself with paranoia as to what answers I could someday get from liking someone's posts too much or realising that everyone can see what I do and choose to like and I should stop trying to get attention.
It makes me want to shout out to the world and myself - "It's my Facebook and I'll express my interest, feelings and attention how I want. 
I don't care if I like too many things, if people don't want attention then they shouldn't post all the time. Or why don't they make it easy and remove me if I'm annoying?" I'm not strong enough to cut ties or remove people if I'm having on / off feelings with them as I don't know if I'm just thinking the wrong things or if I do remove them and it was the wrong choice. I find it easier to accept over time if they choose to do it because then I'll know and understand for sure instead of my list of possibilities if they don't respond as honest as I am.
If I come across the wrong way then I'm sorry but I'm just trying to be me in life and online. It's so weird and complicated that I become this way when I'm stressed and I wonder how many of you actually feel the same if you can relate to any of my feelings as well?
Plus it's ironic that I forget that we all have on / off days and my people are bound to be feeling like me and it's hard for them to talk back. And recently I'm trying to hold back on trying to talk to some people and just let them come to me when they do wanna chat till we try to meet again in person.
- Struggling to keep in contact or reply to messages
I am a hypocrite for complaining about this but I do struggle with the effort and consistency sometimes when talking to some people depending on my mood or how busy I am. I always try to reply when I can but I do wonder if I struggle with the effort because of the distance between me and some people who it seems quite limited to the opportunities to contact or see one another in person e.g. Con friends. I feel like it's a 50-50 chance of us keeping in contact and I fear that my annoyance with checking sometimes if things are okay because of the lack of contact which to me could lead to them cutting me off (which hasn't happened yet and I doubt it will since they all seem to like me, despite my flaws and doubts that I create).

You know what the worst thing is that I suspect sometimes? When I try to talk to people on social media or meet some people at Con, I wonder if they are actually interested at all? I feel like I come across too strong or something as I want to maintain contact or see them in the limited time we have. And I'm jealous of other people feeling fine around them like I don't get why I can't feel the same too. I don't know if these ideas are all wrong or if some people don't know how to tell me the truth instead of making me suspect they're lying through their teeth.
But I'll tell you one thing that I've begun to live by, if they are still your friends on Facebook and you do get to hear / see them if not frequently then it's still something. You can't be friends with everyone you meet in life. If they haven't cut ties yet then I shouldn't have to rock the boat by thinking such negative thoughts about the people that I'm blessed with knowing. I've had them like / comment on my stuff here and then and I need to learn that people don't need to like or show attention to everything I do (even if I overdo it on their stuff cause that's the way I am)! Loads of people are bound to see whatever I post and they'll just keep scrolling through like me and choose to interact here and then if they are really interested. Even if I notice that they communicate and interact with others more than me, I shouldn't immediately think up that somethings wrong (some people are just friends with others but they'll still keep being friends with me). And I know that they'll be there for me when I need it most!

I do wonder a lot over the fact that I have over a thousand friends on Facebook. All of them, I'm bound to have met once or many times in my life. Deep down, I think I realise that you don't need a quantity of people in your life, but rather the quality. I'm not saying that I'm not grateful for the people I know or socialise with, I think I just find it hard to accept or acknowledge that a lot of people in my life are acquaintances (like I am to them) and sometimes you'll see them and catch up or just cut the contact string and move on with your life. I wonder if people will after this post to make a point or something. I'm sure they won't since they know I'm only expressing / venting out my thoughts to help make me feel better.

Overall, Facebook could be seen as a life support for some and a parasite for others that takes over our lives. I actually appreciate it's existence and all the positive attributes that I've developed over the years of using it and learning to build and grow with it and in myself. Even though I've stated mixed things, it's all to help me get my thoughts out and to help me come to terms with them and find that inner peace from it all by the end. So long as we are careful with what we choose to do and I know that everyone interacts in the real world for sure, it helps that we have a place we can go to help comfort us, keep in contact with others and still develop that connection with everyone for as long as we can.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. And know that I am always here if you want to chat, catch up or vent your own feelings out because I like doing the same for myself and we all want to help each other in the end! I love you guys!

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