How do you tell someone that you have a condition that makes you different but you are learning to see it in a positive manner, but they may not even understand properly? By having this condition, you don't know how to fit in or act like others because you know you are different but you don't want to feel it and become an outsider or outcast. Here I want to explain deeply what Aspergers Syndrome is to me and that by explaining some inner thoughts in a reassuring way that maybe by the end, people might have a better understanding and also take my feelings into account.
Due to the way things have been the last couple months with being let down, I have been bothered and become doubtful because of the lack of response I have received from certain people through Facebook and other social media that I have begun to worry that I'm the cause of the problem because I am being myself. Also I haven't been able to write up The Duff review yet due to this confusion and I think another visit is needed to help me see the glory again and help me out with the review and get me back on track.
I don't think that I've ever properly explained what Aspergers Syndrome really is, on AsperJosh?! Instead of using any research or definitions you'd find on the NHS or Oxford Dictionary, I'm going to explain what my condition is to me.
Aspergers Syndrome is a condition where I am biologically different, I think, talk, act and learn differently to others and it's only a small condition on The Autistic Spectrum. I have an amazing memory and I like to talk about anything and share knowledge and memories, jokes, quotes and moments from my life with everybody. I like to make and follow routines in order to feel balanced but I do find it difficult to cope with surprises and change like when things don't always go according to plan. But over the last few years, I have seen how I have begun to improve myself as a person and my social skills and athough most of the time, I don't see it for myself others see it in me and that really helps. Plus I've learnt sarcasm and developed a sense of humour. I also can't help with the fact that I randomly over-talk or bring up the most random subjects when I am stressed or happy and I can't yet understand that not everybody has to listen or like what I want to say or repeat no matter how amusing it is to me, it's just in my head and I need to talk about it to others despite forgetting if I've already mentioned before or they aren't interested at all (sometimes they are and they do like my voices or subjects).
I am not a freak or broken toy, I am just some guy who may look and act different but is just as funny, loyal, trustworthy and caring as any other guy can be and just wants to feel and share love for the first time someday with a special someone. If any of you watch The Big Bang Theory and know of the character Sheldon (played by Jim Parsons), do you see how his character is full of Autism? To others, his behaviour and actions are humorous as I find them to be as well but if people can somehow cope/ live with a man like that, then how different am I (besides the level of our conditions and lack of fields in particular knowledge).
Now the reason, I'm coming clean with these emotional feelings is because I feel that by sharing it with the world and mainly my friends that the people who know me might get to understand me far better than I may have ever tried to explain before, plus it might help show who my true friends are and will put my worries at ease as I will have laid everything out on the table.
You see, the last few months on the weekends, I have been let down by people (mainly a couple of ladies) and it's begun stirring up my feelings and emotions in my head in a whirlpool of confusion and making me ill and depressed. I am always reminding myself that not everything can happen (it's not set in stone) and that life is full of change, but after a while and how people leave you hanging through social media, it does become quite stressful that you don't know how to drag yourself out of this sinking sand and stand back up on your own two feet.
Since February, I have begun to venture out of my comfort zone, talk and add people on Facebook (or by luck be added by them) and I have even met 3 ladies in person and had an incredible but short time. Yet after this first encounter, I don't know why or if I'm over-reacting but I can't help but feel that somethings wrong or maybe our lives are just so complicated that we don't know how to continue from then. It's got me worrying and doubting myself on if I said or did something obviously or subtlety wrong. Then again it might not even be my fault, I'm not pushy, rude, or harass people, maybe some people don't understand or know how to tell people like me that they are no longer interested or don't have the time or I just took it so easily and became hook, line and sinker into infatuation.
I think that maybe telling people of my condition is a reason that some people might be scarce with me and be 50-50 on knowing if it's right to be friends or keep contact. Surprisingly, I have when meeting some people this last year not mentioned my conditions and I've just been myself, smiled and acted confidently and funny and its worked out ok. Perhaps that style/ persona is the right way towards attracting others because several years back I used to mention my Aspergers and Crohns within the first few conversations. I wonder if I used that trump card as a mold breaker and see if this bold and honest comment would test if people would be interested in becoming friends with me and to help me understand when to be that honest as well as try to stop myself from becoming emotionally attached to people so easily after the first encounter.
|Picture Of How I Scream|
In The Mirror (Without
The Hands Though)
My taste in this kind of music may be a bit displeasing to some or come across as surprising, but at least I'm still a good and delightful person. I know friends who are metalheads and they are all lovely and fun too!
I think the lyrics and style of music to first song of Crown The Empire's first album helps act as an example on my feelings slightly along with my preferred style of shouting! Part 2 to the song.
I think if I went in a sound proof room with a microphone, I'd have some fun and get it all out or if I was talented, I'd do karaoke or be in a band ha ha. But I won't say that that kind of music emphasises the problem because I actually like this kind of music for real cause it's cool to me and other times it's a good hype but it's funny isn't it that sometimes when your confused that the good can seem bad. Luckily my music's not all like that because I know it's best to listen to some songs that comfort me like Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life, bit of Bob Marley, Jimmy Eat World - The Middle (video contains sexual content) and of course, my main man Adam Young from Owl City. He's always been there for me and he's someone I can relate to being another man with Aspergers Syndrome. He's like my idol because he's being himself and doing what he loves best and people love him for it, something I'm starting to feel plus I love his creative music style (I need to write up a big story about him someday). His music always turns my stormy sky into sunshine and I sing a long to every song without fail (I don't care if I can't sing ha ha) though I feel I could learn to do Metalcore scream, that would be awesome.
But now that we can see if people have "read" our last message is one thing that places the judgement on the tip of the spear because to me it's tough seeing my last question/ comment sitting there being left unanswered if it was a question about a person's well being/ how there day went or asking if they wish to hang out. It's hard to understand right away because of the way I am that not everybody I know can respond there and then as life gets in the way, to some people it's not a big deal or some don't know how to respond. I guess I'm the kind of guy that just wants an answer even if it's a "sorry can't talk right now" or "sorry I'm no longer interested" or even an emotion to help put humour or life into the text like I always do. At least this way, my mind will be put at ease and I won't betray myself into thinking that it's all my fault because sadly that's the lifestyle I'm used to and to make things more agitating is that people who haven't yet responded are always online yet they somehow forget to respond back and I end up sending more messages gradually and dig myself a bigger hole of attention seeking because things didn't turn out the way I had hoped (especially with those 3 ladies).
I know it seems selfish of me to ask so much of others in order to suppress my emotions, but as selfish as it is, I actually need it, especially honesty. I feel that deep down, people are worried and maybe afraid to admit or question our friendship or they only see me as an acquaintance on some occasions or level, yet I don't see it for myself yet. I appreciate and admire how people are either too afraid to hurt my feelings or may even be too self-centred to be honest with me but when I am left with questions un-answered I begin to doubt everything and sometimes ruin things that were perfect in the beginning.
Plus if you think about it, wouldn't it be better to see me at my honest best that everybody enjoys rather than the way I am coming across right now like Eeyore (he's loveable too).
But it's amazing how I have actually grown up the last 5 years and learned how to be sociable and talk to people especially women, which is a miracle for someone like me. It's thanks to everybody who does listen to me and treat me equally like many amazing ladies I know - Cousin Rosie, Jody, Kathy, Ami, Mills, Cathy, Amy, Becky, Dorota, Henny, Rachel, Beki and everybody else who knows me well, that I can see for myself that I am loved and liked when I'm with them and feel supported. I don't mean to name names and point fingers but it's nice to credit a few special people who help bring out the honesty and best in me and still like me for it and luckily every other person who talks to me and listens and enjoys my company are all amazing too and I can never doubt that I don't have friends, even if I fail to see it sometimes due to how I'm feeling. Thanks guys... really! :'D
I want honesty even if it will hurt me, sure I can't handle the response or reactions there and then but in the end it'll all be for the best and I won't be stuck where I was and I will have been put out of my misery or reassured to make me question why I was so wound up over something so small.
To quote Tom Hanks whilst playing Walt Disney in the amazing film Saving Mr. Banks
I tell you all these deep emotions to help shine some light on the bottled up feelings that I've always had lingering in my head and to see myself typing all this down with different emotions immersing and in the end, producing a smile is really something. It's like admitting the truth and for the better and I want it all to help people understand better especially about me.I don't tell you this to make you sad, Mrs Travers. I don't. I love my life, I think it's a miracle.
We all have our moments and demons and even light and darkness in ourselves and sometimes, by just sharing our thoughts with the right people, can we become better people and a lot of the time feel much better, to me that's what this blog and what friends are for!
On a more up-to-date note, I went out on another jog back on Saturday and I ventured into the Forest, yeah! I took a whole load of pictures in case anybody was ever interested in joining me and if they wanted to go exploring as well. I don't think it's worth writing up another post on my jog, I may do as I think I can go further in the mysterious woods, but I'll see soon and if I do, I'll take a few more pics to help highlight the track.
Unfortunately, when I tried jogging yesterday, it just wasn't my day. To my surprise, the farmer had dug up more of the land and planted more seeds on the path that people usually walk around the field. I tried to make the best of it on the first lap and I ended up almost twisting my left ankle (you know that painful moment you get when your ankle almost does a serious injury but you still feel it badly there and then) and when I tried clinging to the tiny path, my right ankle ended up running through some Stinging Nettles... F***s sake! However, on my second lap, I decided to head further through the woods compared to last time on Saturday when I headed left, I went further ahead and this time managed to meet the far end of the forest trail which added a little extra to my total (now I know my way around the long way which will help my next jog). So I only managed to do 2.8Miles (4.5km) in 28mins31secs, still at least I tried and seeing the Bluebells begin to come out was a nice scenery too.
Plus my Tough Mudder Jersey arrived yesterday. Me and the others used a special website called Spreadshirt.co.uk to help design our team shirts. We all got the same front and back but I edited my back a little (AsperJosh WOO!)
I feel a lot better after getting all this out of my system and now I wonder how others will react or understand my feelings. I hope it doesn't affect people drastically but now I can get back to being Awesome and look forward to planning more events.
Avengers, Captain America: The Winter Soldier and then Avengers: Age Of Ultron. Oh well, I've been too focused on this but it's all for the right reasons and it was worth it in the end. Well, I'm pretty sure that me and my Cinebuddies including Amy will all venture out multiple times to watch this hugely anticipated sequel that I've been dying to watch many more time and of course, it has to be in IMAX! *wink*