New Year - New Me (2017)

2017 is going to be the year where I'll begin focusing on myself and to take my mind off of the wrong things. To get back into the long delayed future that is IT (through all the anxiety and procrastination this past year and a half). I'll be expressing some dark feelings that I've had all year despite all the accomplishments that I've achieved this year because as great as they are and I am, I do have these feelings consistently.
But first, let's not forget to mention my New Years fun at Matt's! Happy New 2017, everybody!!!




Before going out on New Years Eve, I celebrated my wonderful Mum's Birthday (I couldn't join her for dinner at Horsham's Strada at 10:30PM so I spent the day with her and she encouraged me to go out anyway). I bought her a bouquet of flowers and got her a hilarious Star Wars Card and filled it with £30 worth of vouchers that are usable in a variety of stores. 

And just a little thing to add which sounds childish, I was so pleased and surprised to have managed to capture all 4 Pokemon Starters from Pokemon Yellow near Crawley's Cineworld whilst picking Becca up from work on the 30th. Yep... I still play this app a little from time to time ha.

New Years this year was over in Southwater with all my friends my age compared to past New Years celebrations. I brought Ben over with me but first we made a quick pop in to Kathy (as she had invited me round to celebrate, but we could only stay for 30mins before heading off to our previous engagement). I met her little budgie "Georgie" and I felt like a Pirate ha.

We all played Cards Against Humanity which was a great laugh before we wished Kathy, Jack and the others a Happy New Year.

Once at Matt's, I had the liberty of dropping one of my 4  after trying to shake hands with Alex (dust pan and brushed up quickly and away from the cars). Everyone was here that I've really gotten to know better this year which made me feel welcome and equal to everyone else.

I ended up getting pissed quickly within the hour of arriving since I had 2 Koppa's, 4 Sourz shots (with Jack and Franklin from the South Africa trip) and a Tequilla slammer (I had to lie down for 20 mins at 11:20PM but I was just about fine and awake before the 1 minute countdown to the new year!

Matt gave a 5min40sec speech that we all related cheeringly and banter (I recorded it since a couple others couldn't make it that night and wanted a copy, so I volunteered as tribute... wait).
I got chatting to Chloe on the stairs for a while of what I was preparing to state in this post and how it'll help others understand me better as well as encourage me to help myself and make some alterations to my lifestyle for the better, over time. 

My seat for the evening...

Franklin made me drink all of a Fosters Gold "ugh" and I quickly went over to a Budweiser to kill the taste. Luckily their was no drama during the night and everyone "got on like a house on fire".

So by 3:00AM, Me, John, Alex and Aaron left with Franklin to go back and crash at his for the night.


At 9:30AM, the others all got up and we ended up watching The Princess And The Frog on BBC1 (as you do on New Years Day). But they all got picked up by 11:00AM which is also when Franklin's parents came home and Becky woke up. Because of the amount I'd had to drink, I wasn't fit to drive till near 1:00PM, so we ended up watching The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists! and then Match Of The Day before I got up, packed up and Ben came to the house and we walked back to Matt's to get my car. We popped in to say Afternoon to him and his parents and said Thank you for having us and then I safely drove us back home to Horsham!
So I spent the rest of the day, writing this up with a headache and I just finished it today.
Now onto the serious stuff!

I've had these feelings all year around and I've had months of endless stress, anxiety and paranoia over the reactions I get from people as well as the dark thoughts that my head swirls with because I end up thinking the worst till they reassure me again and again. Though it's not everyone honestly, it's certain people and groups because I've failed to express myself even if it's brutally honesty or abruptly because of my fear of losing everything that we've had (and one or two times, it's all been a huge misunderstanding). A few have said that I'll never lose them and that no matter what, I can always talk to them and have a hug because they love and care about me, I'm unbelievably lucky to have them in my life. 

I bought a shabby speak pillow of this quote for one of
the closest women in my life who is a sister from
another mister and I love her so much!

I am friends with the right people (I know who my bestest friends are) and I can always rely on everyone to be their for me. I understand now that not everyone can be as honest as me so it's up to them on when they want to talk or hang out instead of me always chasing some people to the point where I question our friendship. I can't be close friends with everyone and even if we meet once a year or only talk on Facebook then that's still something, right?
I've been trying to slip into other people's groups of friends (some who live far away) and I understand it was a nice try but I can't be as close as I am with my local friends. 

Another thing that I wish to disclose is that I learned the truth behind the subtle actions of a group that I've been in since College. I've felt like a ghost around them because I'm not exactly included in conversations as much, no one asks about my life and family (as enthusiastically as me) and I just feel like I'm unwanted here by the guys. Even though I am happy to be here and trying to make an effort but I get the subtle cold shoulder.
That's why I intend to talk to other people at gatherings since I realise that it's better to make effort with people who will give it back because some people don't realise how selfish they are.

I've been out a lot this year with the right people and I've begun drinking sensibly (enough to have a good time but never overdoing it) instead of just being a sober guy who overthinks every thing and fakes a smile when out in a loud and crowded environment. And I've actually begun to grow accustom to this lifestyle since this is how people socialise and enjoy their Saturday nights. Of course, I still have my quiet moments but I've turned out a lot better than my feelings from 2014 when I lacked a lot of confidence and comfort when going out.

I've liked too many people on my Dating Apps and now it's time to put it to one side and turn my attention to something which will help me build a future (I'll let her find me when I'm not looking desperately, like how my other 2 experiences found me). "You must learn to love yourself before you can love somebody else!"
You see, I did give CodeAcademy a go back in 2016 but it felt too overwhelming to just jump back into something that I felt reasonably familiar with from back in College, 4 years ago. It's regrettably embarrassing and makes me feel like a failure. But the solution is a good idea even if it sounds rudimentary and embarrassing to sink down to a low level of introduction to coding on a drag and drop coding app called SCRATCH.
Mum bought me a guide book for my birthday and I have left it on my desk in my room for half a year trying to avoid looking at it because it's like a Key Stage 3 book for children and I hate the idea of having to relearn anything at all because my Aspergers hates practise and expects me to get things right more or less on the first try which is stupid.
Nevertheless, this is the right course of action if I am to achieve a future in Coding. I know their are several languages in Coding which help users interact or help add more detail to website development etc so even though this is embarrassing, I must endure this and solemnly swear "that I am up to no good" - sorry wrong quote, I mean solemnly swear to practise at least 1 hour every day or every other day on the app and use the guide book to relearn things. This may unexpectedly reawaken the knowledge that I have buried in my mind and before I know it, I'll have finished it and feel motivated to go back to CodeAcademy with more confidence and enthusiasm. I also intend to find online DUMMY guides for Adobe Photoshop CS5 Extended since I've always wanted to get good with graphics design and also this year, I've found a newfound interest in Photography and I love it so much! 
I'm so proud of myself for the South Africa Trailer and 30min Video that I made which was a great lift up again into IT and now I feel more motivated to do more which is why I'll finally begin learning SCRATCH since it felt great to do something productive, creative and righteous!

I need to take things in life with a "pinch of salt" and to maybe tone down on being the kind, honest, generous and gullible being that I am (even if some people can't return on the same level) - it's who I am and many people love me for it and wouldn't want me to change.
Plus I'm getting too worked up about when I like and comment on some people's Facebook posts and most times, every other commentator gets liked or responded and I get ignored.
And I get the feeling that they also don't know how to let me down easy without ignoring me or someday getting rid of me or just telling me straight like how I tell people my feelings...
But it's still nice to know that despite my on / off and possibly misunderstood feelings with some people, I know that they'll be their for me when things get crazy (which is why I've embedded a post which escalated "like gasoline on a fire" and all because one rude woman spoke out of line and loads of my friends swooped in to defend my name and honour) <3

Posted by Josh Grahame on Wednesday, 24 February 2016

I'm deciding that this year, I will also lay off some of the stressful routines that I suffer from weekly. It's great going to the Gym and all, but I'm actually quite anxious because of my lack of muscle growth, thinking people are looking at me, struggling to talk to new people and the fact that my progression is different and genetically affected than everyone else's. I'm not saying I'll put the weights down for good - I think the best solution is to One Week A Month to just relax and focus on enjoying myself by playing video games, catching up with friends on social media, write out and schedule AsperJosh posts etc.
Because it's excruciating that I have to juggle everything and when one thing doesn't turn out right because of other plans, delays or confidence, I fail to do something else's that's enjoyable or productive instead. It's like a negative hierarchy of options that I forgot to pick myself back up and do something else fun when life gets me down or things just don't go as planned or expected.
I might even do the productive idea of doing Press Ups, Squats and Sit Ups and Leg Raises at home in my big room if I fail to go to the gym since it's still exercise. Plus I'll be back on track with running once or twice a week by February to get in shape for my 3rd Tough Mudder and my first Nuts Challenge with Aimy and the others!

I'm trying to learn now that "it's okay to not always be okay". I've been looking at my actions all the wrong way. Anxiety has been an unwanted Apparition in my head. It's been dragging me down an abyss as I reach my hand up for help. And it's corrupted my judgement on everything that I'm thinking every day and affects my behaviour and reactions too.


I learned that Suicide is not even an option to ever consider. You see, a good work friend took his life earlier on this year and me and many others were distraught and heartbroken (he was always being silly and would tell me to "live my life" and "you'll find inner peace"!) I'd never want that to befall my friends and family because they would never recover from such a scar.
Plus I've been comforting someone close to me over his serious depression despite me having my own anxious problems. I try to answer positively and reassuringly despite the recurring messages of things getting worse and difficult for him. I do hope he like myself will reach happiness and be with he right crowd and to not pursue the wrong people and to let them and a woman find him when he's not looking (like I am too).

I shouldn't have to think this way when I've achieved so much in my life so far and continue to learn things every day. I don't need counselling or medication to help me because that's not fair and will make me feel more mentally impaired. I just need to keep speaking from the heart and accept this is the way I am but it isn't the only way I can live my life. Mental Health can't chain me down from enjoying life!

*Huffington Post UK - Anxiety: What Is It? What's It Like To Have It? And How Can You Cope With It?*

*Huffington Post US - What I Mean When I Say "I Have Anxiety"*

I need to stop thinking the worst before they happen. Don't think that your getting the attention out of patronising behaviour (like they have to like your stuff because it's you) - Everyone gets different levels of attention on Facebook every day! I know people who post maybe 7-10 posts a day and they express themselves so seriously or for banter and stuff. Sometimes I envy but also question why they need to be like this? But then again, if I want attention like that then am I not a hypocrite for expressing myself on here even if the subject is different?

I have Achieved a lot this year:
- I left my first anxious job and went to somewhere better
- Learnt from a short Relationship
- Found comfort from the positive comments on my School Post (on Facebook) and I learned to accept my past now
- Photographing Animals in South Africa
- Did my 2nd Tough Mudder
- AsperJosh reached over 50,000 Total Views (Thank you all so much!!!)
- Photographed Stars
- Created my South Africa Trailer and 30min Video

These are just a handful of things I've accomplished in 2016 and I've come such a long way from 5 years ago when I could barely speak properly to anyone. No one can take this away from me! I need to keep remembering what I have achieved instead of living every day questioning my actions, friends and thoughts because I'm tired or things have been mixed and affecting my judgement and behaviour.
Mum's always astounded and baffled by my behaviour and inner feelings when she, like many question "How can you feel this way when you have achieved so much?" Unfortunately, this is what Mental Health does to you but it hasn't pushed me away from people, it's just testing me mentally and I have achieved things out of my comfort zone and will continue to do so!

Music has been the essence of my feelings this year whether it's hearing someone scream and shout similar feelings that I have been feeling or listening to someone sing gently about isolation, anxiety and hope.
Favorite Weapon has been a perfect album and example on my feelings - manly the first verse and chorus.

"I'm in denial, I've been for a while.

But facing the truth is such a hard pill to swallow.

I've fallen behind, slave to my own mind.

I'm always questioning which path to follow.

I swore that I was fine, but I told a lie.

I'm hollow on the inside, hollow on the inside.

Behind these bloodshot eyes,

There's no way to deny,

I'm hollow on the inside, hollow on the inside."

It explains how I feel bad for the way I am and I did't want this and yet I won't deny or doubt these feelings because they have developed because of other people's subtle affects on myself (mentally).
Sixty Saragossa, Thorn, Three Twenty-Eight and Wayside are all good examples of lyrics too (whole album in general).
Another good example is Jamie Lawson because of his third album which has a collection of songs about Sadness, Mental Health, Comfort and Hope. The song Sometimes It's Hard is the best song about Mental Health and how when you feel down that things can get better in time, it's okay to feel this way. You must take a listen, I hope you do!
 Kodaline are great too because of songs like this but they are a lot more uplifting and positive bad with songs about enjoying time together in the sunshine and just living life! This song is good because of the simple words Everything Works Out In The End which is the most truthful and philosophical sentence to remember no matter what.

John Lennon's (R.I.P) quote is something to take in too.

Frank Ocean's quote sounds like a good idea for a future Tattoo (can't decide if it'll be on my inner forearm - if it's acceptable on my veiny arms) XP
One of these will be my first tattoo this year - Never Lose Your Flames!

I like to consider myself in an uplifting and relatable way to Robin Williams: 
- I like to make others laugh
- I have my own demons and issues
- I can quote and impersonate others
- I am quite down a lot but can still be a good fun guy when I feel better
- And I am loved by others despite the way I feel
Only thing is that I won't meet a short end, so no need to worry or think like that. 
I'm blessed with gifts and humour and I should keep using them instead of hiding my true self from everyone. Even this side of me can surprise others but also lift myself up again when I'm feeling down (like how Robin himself felt in many of his amazing roles).

It's easier said than done with everything I've listed in this statement / solemn absolution. Because you know what I'm like... But with time and reminders on my phone and encouragement from friends and family, I know that I can achieve this! 
This isn't just a post for me to retreat to if I feel lost and alone - it's for others who might be in the same situation as myself. We all have to accept the way we are and if I have mixed feelings then I'll just have to wear them like the flesh on my skin because hiding it or running away from it is the wrong idea.
I intend to make an End of 2017 video showing highlights of my year and how I've enjoyed another year with my friends and family as well as overcoming more obstacles, barriers and moments of the year. We may have lost a lot of amazing celebrities and incredible people this year, but unfortunately that's life.

And this guy on Facebook, has listed some uplifting and positive achievements from 2016!
We have all had things affect us in 2016 including stupid political decisions but all we can do is continue to be their for others, live our lives, never give up and most importantly enjoy what we have and who we love!

Plus I'm rather looking forward to the 2nd season of Attack On Titan "Shingeki no Kyojin" in the first quarter of 2017. I am up-to-date on the Manga and know everything already that's yet to come. But I can't wait to see the pictures become glorious animation of carnage, brutal combat and emotional conflicts of anger and hope. 

Here's to 2017 and I know that I am blessed with a lot, I just forget it most times. I am friends with the right people (some might leave after reading this) but I know what I'm doing and stating is the right choice and I will make 2017 to be just as successful and achieving as 2016 has been for me despite my fixed feelings. I'll list some ideas in my 3rd Anniversary post on Jan 21st. I think I'll get one of those Adult Colouring Books too.

Much love to you all!