Now I must take a deep breath, smile and look forward to what challenges and people I will meet until I someday find that special thing called "Love"!
Things are coming along now and I just want to share some inner thoughts that I've had all bottled up over several months whilst I was in a confused state. I'm rather content right now so don't let this post make you think "Oh, he's at it again" or "Is he ever going to cheer up?!". These thoughts will help shine some light on things and hopefully by the end, add some change maybe to things and hopefully for the better as I'll be taking action. Some people might understand me better (some might even change their views on me and decide if it's worth being friends or not). Plus I'm now gonna stop telling people and new people that I have Aspergers because some have admitted after I told them that "they never would have guessed", which means I am interacting a lot better than I thought plus sometimes telling people can put them off or change their view on me because they might not understand it.
I've come a long way since being in my first year of Collyers where I met girls my age and learned through many mistakes and situations on how to socialize, ask questions about them and not to keep the conversation one sided. Mostly the hardest has been to understand that not everyone finds love so quickly. I wondered if I'd find my first love at College but unfortunately it didn't happen. I think I was just easily "infatuated" with many people but then I grew a level of respect and friendship with them after seeing it wasn't going to work out. I remember when Lewis said to me "There's bound to be at least one girl here who likes you a lot somewhere on this Planet!" I know he's right and I've just had to be patient all this time.
Growing up these last 5 years, I've only had a few special moments including holding a girls hand (that was at Download Festival) and losing my V Plates last May and I think I had my first kiss when I was in Primary school or was it New Years Eve 2013 (but honestly they weren't the love kind of kisses, just shared by one girl *no offence to the ladies*).
But before all that, I want to clarify and list some facts that pretty much everyone's bound to have felt anytime in their lives. I have friends who I'm close with and beginning to become closer with, but I want to explain these feelings because they'll help relieve the stress and doubt (poison) in my head and help me get back to enjoying things once knowing I've got it all out on the table (well in this case, on here for everyone to read and take notes).
You see, back on August 21st after seeing some friends were out (after updating profile pictures or statuses), I felt a pain in my heart thanks to the feeling of being left out and being in the confused state I was in back then. My feelings are like a war in my head with doubt and confusion on the side because I can't tell if I'm selfish or correct on feeling like this because I'm not out there with others enough times.
If you're reading this and feel I may be talking about you, well I don't know how to reassure you or myself with this honesty. I can't really ask for change or for people to make exceptions in their plans to just include me after writing this up, but how else am I going to be able to explain to others without shouting/ arguing with people in person when they fail to keep me posted or even respond to my messages/ questions about if they are going out anytime soon. I'm guilty as well when it comes to forgetting to reply so I have a similarity in hypocrisy.
I can't say this all passionately without reflecting on the history of fun that I have had with people (frequently/ recently) because it's the evidence that I am valued and maybe loved by others. But I think that with the lack of presence or consistency, sometimes I just succumb to this feeling and it's hard to lift myself up out of this hole unless something fun comes along to bring me back to the light, plus the workload in the week doesn't help either. Also I always do remember that after some confessing and honesty that things will become better after people understand my feelings which can be repetitive but they will help me to become a better person (over time) and maybe people will learn a thing or two about me from reading my thoughts.
It's unbelievably frustrating having to wait on people to respond or let alone explain why they need to disappear during a chat/ text because I fail to see the reality that everyone has their own lives to live and I can't expect/ rely on others to always be there to answer my last question or respond right away (as much as I want them to). If I left a message about "hanging out with just her" or "going out in a group" and I see that person has SEEN my last message, I get swept away in an ocean of confusion full of queries because I don't know if I asked too much and it could jeopardize my level of friendship right now because I tried to be bold or brave.
I think what I'm trying to achieve is to help make others understand that I am a good, funny and nice person with a lot going on in life despite how I may come across as and I just want to be treated fairly by everyone instead of being classed as something else. I'm pretty sure people don't class me that way anyway and it's good to see that with the right people I too am welcomed with a smile, maybe a hug/ fist bump or like I'm practically one of them. And I'd like to keep it that way instead of feeling like I have to sit on the side or remain secluded in my room because I wasn't invited out.
It's tough to cope or fully understand that those who live far away or are in relationships are people who I just have to understand to either take a hint or that we'll just be friends on Facebook or by luck we may see each other in person. I've actually been enjoying and doing my best to talk to some of the friends I have become friends with like Jody, Katie, Aki etc over Facebook.
But that doesn't mean that I should restrict myself to this level of communication because of the distance between us or how busy our lives are becoming, I think people including me can meet "half-way" maybe London, MCM Comic-Con or something... It all matters on the dedication and possibility and most of all if we are willing to!
That being said, one thing that has bothered me over several years is that when I have hung out with a single lady (just the two of us), I can't really tell if this is classed as a "Date" or just a day out as friends. I don't try anything and like the film Inside Out, as I'm experiencing it, I'm also reviewing it in my head and wondering what to do and how to react.
The best quote to use is shockingly from The Joker - The Dark Knight "Heath Ledger", RIP You Legend:
This makes me feel like it'll be my downfall or more likely my disadvantage because I'm inexperienced in relationships. I'm worried that the ladies I'll meet through this experience, I'll have to try and impress whilst still being myself but it'll be the irony and confusing fact that possibly this lady (preferably the one who I'll end up in a relationship with someday) will be the experienced individual and I wouldn't have anything to compare to. I'm glad I didn't turn out like The 40 Year Old Virgin for laughs *in your face all you d*cks who doubted me*, but I wonder if this level that I am in life will affect my decision making or affect my emotions because I'll feel like a "virgin" in this commitment?! But surely it can't be all this bad to try out something sensational and natural, there must be hundreds, maybe thousands of people on this planet in my situation (minus or with the Aspergers) who must feel this way and it's hard to understand at first. But I'm sure as anyone else would say in support or own experience that "Love is mysterious and unpredictable, wait for it to come to you and just enjoy it!" Sounds about right, and I am keen to see what it's like as well as bring me out of my shell and level up in life.
My friend Jody, pointed out to me on a good example and insight to Ted Mosby from the hit series How I Met Your Mother, "She's out there somewhere Ted, and she's getting to you as fast as she can!" And that sometimes it's better to wait 5 years for the right person than 2 months for the wrong one. Great words of wisdom, Jody.
Thinking back to the hundreds of songs I've heard about love or duets, they also seem to help my mind wonder about the stories and moments of love too. I do sometimes even if they are emotional but the band Kodaline with their tear-jerking song All I Want (which was used in The Fault In Our Stars) is a good example "of all I want is to find somebody" and I know I will! Plus the song One Day encourages you to get up and don't be spending your time on your own, get out there and enjoy yourself!
I enjoy all of Owl City's work on love and relationships. I think to give a few examples would help my point, I'm gonna choose 3 classics: The Bird And The Worm, Hot Air Balloon, The Saltwater Room thanks to the sorta cheesy but also sweet lyrics which sound more like poetry. But on a more modern POP scale, I'd have to go with almost every lyric by the talented Michael Bublé and his perfect song Just Haven't Met You Yet!
But the bright side to all of this is that by confessing these feelings, I can read this to remind myself of my own words of wisdom as well as count the view count to help myself see with pleasure that my words are being read and my friends might even wanna talk or include me a little more (which they've already begun doing, I got invited to 3 events for the rest of the year already). Plus I must now understand to maybe try a little harder (not enough to sound pushy) and ask different kinds of people who may of said once or a while ago about "We should hang out sometime?" Maybe it'll be adventurous hanging out with people I've seen briefly or people I knew a while ago and it could help start a friendship with acquaintances. I also need to give myself more credit and to not beat myself up and actually believe in myself and believe I am valued by my friends and one day I will be loved by a lady.
BUT most of all, I look forward to meeting a lady someday who will love me for everything including my nerdy interests and knowledge, my unfortunate Crohns, my sarcasm *chuckles* and how big my heart really is. She will help teach me how to grow up, learn to try new things and challenge myself. And mostly fill me up with happiness (no pressure) and I'll be able to hold hands too, but I'd prefer to not change for her. It must be amazing to have someone you can talk to so passionately (I hope she likes a lot of things that I do, I wanna share so much and talk about anything with her!)
I will state here that I won't be writing up a lot of my love life or about her in detail since I think my post about a Date I had back in February, I think I failed to see the sensitivity in revealing a lot on a short and happy occasion and get ahead of myself. I must in a reasonable way not get "too attached/ infatuated" so easily (I have a habit of that haha) because even if it's just one date and somehow we or I don't see this working out, like the saying goes "There's plenty more fish in the sea!" (obviously). And I'll find someone someday to share my happiness with (it most likely won't be the first, but I'll have a life and story of my own to tell friends and generations to come) and the experience helps, doesn't it?
Oh yeah, and One of the Perks of Dating me is the fact that: You'll be the Hot one! haha
Who knows one of my friends might be my first or someone I'll meet online, I just hope her picture and bio is correct haha!